Several years back, someone who I looked upon as highly moral gave me a double-take when I told him I’ve been known to take my kids out for coffee. The moment I let it slip, I felt like my skin had turned green and antennas were growing out of my head.
“Coffee? You take your kids out for coffee?!” He seemed incredulous that I would do such a thing. It was as if I’d just announced that I supply alcohol to my kids and host parties at our home.
Uh…yeah…I do take them out for ‘coffee.’
I regret that, for whatever reason, there wasn’t time to explain that this tradition has very little to do with coffee and that he’d missed the point entirely.
Back when I was a younger version of my self, my father sometimes would say to me, “Hey Rock, wanna go out for a pop?” I rarely turned down such an offer to spend time with Dad. We’d swing by the Tastee Freeze on Highway 2 in my hometown of Poplar, Montana, and have a cherry coke. If I was really lucky, I’d get a heaping plate of hot French fries. I’d make it perfect by squirting ketchup all over the top. One by one, my fries would be popped into my mouth. If necessary, I’d add a second layer of ketchup to the bottom ones that hadn’t been saturated the first time around. Dad and I would talk and watch the vehicles on the highway whiz past and the other patrons eating their food and doing whatever it was they were doing. I loved people watching, I loved French fries, and I loved spending time with Dad.
You see, it wasn’t really about the fries or the cherry coke. Don’t get me wrong; those things were mighty good. It just wasn’t about that, though. It was about relationship.
Espresso shops are the new Tastee Freeze. My girls and I especially have frequented many a coffee or tea shop in our city. We’ve shared countless special moments in those places, and sometimes, some pretty mundane moments just sitting around and enjoying each other’s company.
Flash back to this past Halloween night. Imagine the younger kids running to the mailbox after school to see if Grandma Jane’s special one-dollar-per-every-year-of-your-life Halloween cash cards had been delivered. Indeed they had! My middle son got his allotted eight bucks and added it to the bit he’d been saving in his wallet.
A couple nights later, I found this note and some of his money:
“Oh, I see your big heart shining through that!” I told him upon finding the gift. What a sweetheart he is! In the end, I gave him his money back, but he got a good hug out of the deal, and a used video game he’d been wanting.
A few days after that, with $2 and some spare change remaining, he asked me, “Mom, how much does a hot chocolate cost at Starbuck’s? I want to go out for hot chocolate with you. But there’s also something at the book fair at school that I want, too. I can’t decide.”
(Sounds of mommy-heart melting for the second time in two days…)
“Tell you what, bud, you can keep that money for the book fair. But if you clean your room, I’ll take you out for hot chocolate this weekend.”
He thought that sounded like a fair deal, and he worked hard tidying up his incredibly chaotic bedroom (which, full disclosure, he shares with his little brother). So Sunday morning, before the 11 a.m. Mass, off we went to one of my favorite coffee hangouts.
We prefer mugs over paper when possible. And both of us chose dark chocolate over white and milk.
We had a nice visit; about school and his upcoming birthday party and choosing a Confirmation/saints’ name. (He’s leaning toward St. Sebastian like half his class, apparently.)
When it was time to go, he said, “That was worth the time I spent cleaning my room, Mom.”
So, you see, it’s really not about the pop or the coffee or the hot chocolate or whatever other excuse you want to give it. That’s all fine and good, too, and offers a tasty excuse, but it’s really about something much deeper, much more precious. I’m going to carry that sweet hour with my son throughout the week ahead — and beyond.
Speaking of blessings, those who didn’t have a chance to read my Friday post can see it today on Chasing Silhouettes, “a blog for families and caregivers who desire hope and healing on the eating disorders journey.” I’ve been touched by the responses and encouragement given to my daughter by the various readers here on Peace Garden Mama and on CatholicMom.com, where our post appeared on Friday.
Q4U: What ritual do you do with your children or friends that’s about something other than what it appears?
I’ve had many moments like this, some planned, some just “happening.” Most recent, the drive home from NDSU. When I was newly separated from my husband, I asked Zach if he wanted to go out for “pie” when all the other brothers were busy. It was a memorable moment that gave him a chance to voice some of his feelings. It was great. Bring on the “coffee” and “pie”, or call it french fries and coke. A mom knows what it really is, and the kids do, too.
Roxane, I loved reading this post. The memories that you made with your Dad are precious!
As for your little guy, I don’t think I’ve heard anything so sweet in a long, long time. The note that he left you shows a selfless, thoughtful personality.
I wish I could bottle your parenting techniques. You are obviously doing a lot of things right.
I love it – you taking your kids out for coffee. What a wonderful way to affirm them and build your relationship. One of my best memories is my mom and I having a regular lunch together.
For my kids I took each of them of their special day for back to school shopping. Alone without their siblings. They got to chose where to eat and could pick out one special item to buy. As adults, they still talk about those days.
I have grandkids now and you reminded me to begin some tradition like this with them
Great post today!
Roxanne,
A mom after my own heart. My kids and I love going out for coffee. When I visit my daughter and her family in Montana, a “coffee” is at the top of our “to do” list.
When my son was a teen, between school, sports and his job, it was hard to find time to connect. We had a weekly breakfast date. Keep up the great memory making moments!