Karen Edmisten is among a group of distinguished writers I’ve met through an online community of Catholic communicators. Along with being a fellow mother/wife and writer/blogger, she’s also an author of several faith-related books, and a convert from atheism whose thoughts about life and God never fail to inspire me. I’m honored to have Karen as a guest today on Peace Garden Writer!
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| Karen Edmisten |
The Writing Life and Abandonment to God
When I took my first tentative steps toward Christianity — after years of atheism and doubt — one of the things that made me shudder was the Christian idea of surrender. “Dying to self” sounded suspiciously as if I’d lose everything that was important to me. Everything that was me. My tastes and opinions? My ideas? My personality? Sense of humor? How does one give all of that up without feeling like a Stepford wife?
I didn’t see that as a blessing. Oh, sure — now I know what a huge blessing it’s been to let go of my old life, but I couldn’t fathom that at the time. I couldn’t see, as C.S. Lewis said in The Problem of Pain, that, “we are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved: we are … rebels who must lay down their arms.”
I didn’t want to lay down my arms but clearly they slipped or were wrenched from me because here I am, a Catholic. And in waving those white flags and accepting that I could become a new creation in Him, I’ve found the kind of peace of which I couldn’t have conceived in my atheist days.
In the midst of that peace is the knowledge that while I “lost” myself I also paradoxically gained a truer version of me. In surrendering everything to God, He showed me that He will lead wisely and well in all things. And in striving to practice obedience, I’ve been given the greatest freedom I’ve ever known.
The path to my writing career is an excellent example. I still often don’t think of it so much as a career, but as something that just keeps happening.
When I was young, I knew I’d be a writer. I scribbled out stories, penned poems and crafted essays, dutifully submitting them to magazines. They always returned with rejection slips. Occasionally, I got to revel in handwritten notes from editors who encouraged me to persevere, but nothing was published.
Eventually I gave up on writing because I was following another dream. I called it, “Let’s Find Out the Meaning of Life.” It was a time-consuming, sometimes painful dream that led me to surrender one thing after another, in both the realm of ideas (such as long-cherished philosophies and a personally crafted system of morality) and the realm of practicalities (where we lived, what jobs I took, my aversion to having babies, the conviction that I would always work outside the home.) Stunningly, I somehow became everything I’d once mocked: I was now a Catholic, stay-at-home wife and mother.
Getting something published was the farthest thing from my mind when my priest suggested that I send my conversion story to one of his favorite magazines. I did it only because he thought I should but I worried that seeking publication at that point in my life would be “all about me.” I feared it would seem I was seeking glory when I knew the glory of my conversion belonged to God. But, in the spirit of surrender and obedience to my confessor I sent the article off. It was my first published piece.
And now I trumpet, “And it all took off from there!” Right? Not quite. I was still learning what it meant to be a fully committed, homeschooling, stay-at-home wife and mom, still embracing (or struggling to embrace) the necessary sacrifices. But the more my faith fell into place — the more fully I surrendered to my vocation — the more the writing fell into place, too.
Other writing opportunities came my way. Articles, essays, devotions. I wasn’t able to predict them (though some of them were at the suggestion of that same priest — perhaps I should call him my agent?) and many of them surprised me. When I tried to predict or plan too much, God dismantled my plans and all but said, “No … try this instead.” I had to let Him navigate.
Not that I sat passively by. A navigator maps the course, but He still needs the pilot to do the driving. Someone had to sit at the keyboard and compose this stuff. But publication seems to have happened on God’s terms, not on mine.
My articles led to blogging, and my blog led to an editor finding me online, and that in turn has led to the publication of two books, with a third on the way. Still, it’s all in God’s hands. I’ve come full circle, back to that surrender stuff I once hated so much.
In the future, if God wants me to write more books, I will. (I do wish I had a foolproof strategy to recommend for discerning His voice. That part, I’m afraid, is an ongoing, neverending bit of on-the-job training.) Or, if He wants me to write something else — oh, say, instruction manuals for assemble-it-yourself furniture (because, really now, couldn’t anyone do that better than the people who do it?) then I’ll earn a paycheck that way rather than in Catholic publishing. Or, if He wants me to quit writing altogether and learn to be a better cook, I’m in (though I don’t see that happening … the kitchen is not where He deposited the greatest “natural talent and desire” in me.)
But you get the picture. Where He leads, I try to follow.
Mainly, I pray for the grace to stay out of His way. The fear of “losing myself” is gone because I know that when I surrendered “me” I didn’t lose my core. I found it. And God doesn’t send me rejection slips, just revisions. My life is so much better with His deft editing Hand at work.
Karen Edmisten is the author of The Rosary: Keeping Company With Jesus and Mary and Through the Year With Mary: 365 Reflections. She was a contributor to Atheist to Catholic: 11 Stories of Conversion, and A Little Way of Homeschooling: Thirteen Families Discover Catholic Unschooling. A book on miscarriage is in the works and is due out in 2012. Find her online at www.karenedmisten.blogspot.com
Roxane, thanks for the chance to join you today! I posted a companion piece on my blog — general reflections here at your place, some concrete, practical stuff over at my place today. It’s here.
What a beautiful story about how God found Karen and invited her into writing. People often say about ministry, “someone had to invite you into ministry for God” and it holds true here, I think.
I love these spotlights, Roxane.
**A book on miscarriage!! I wish I would have know about this – I have the best miscarriage story of ALL TIME 🙂 Blessings to you both, Holly
Karen, thanks for gracing Peace Garden Writer with your words today, and for the tip on “more where that came from.” 🙂
Holly, God will help you find a way to tell your story somehow. My miscarriage story is pretty powerful too. Perhaps someday we can collaborate. 🙂
I really appreciated the way you articulated how your conversion (and ‘submission’) resulted in more freedom; it’s so hard to explain that experience to others (especially those who have not been there) but you did it beautifully here. When I converted to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, I experienced much the same as what you describe. I smiled deep inside as I read your words.
Also, a book on miscarriage written by a fellow clergy-wife friend of mine called “Naming The Child,” by Jenny Schroedel, may be of interest to you. It’s written from the perspective of an Eastern Orthodox Christian; I think the spiritual journeys of the mothers’ stories are deeply moving and uplifting.
May God continue to bless you and guide your writing!
What a wonderful story you have, and your writing talent pours out. I love your conversational style and glowing honesty. You had me from the C.S. Lewis quote.
I love this story! Thank you, Roxane for hosting it and a big thanks to Karen for writing it and sharing her journey. God bless you both!
Lorie, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and how Karen’s words resonated with you, and for sharing the title. I agree that mothers’ stories are mighty powerful! I named my miscarried child and that process was very healing. His name is Gabriel and I look forward to seeing him again someday. 🙂
Carrie, always a pleasure to see your name in the comments box. Isn’t C.S. Lewis great?
Donna, you’re welcome!
Now, I’ll let Karen speak for herself. 🙂
Thank you all for such lovely and encouraging words! Thanks again, Roxane, for the chance to share the page with you — it’s a blessing to me. And you all might be interested to know that part of Roxane’s miscarriage story will be included in my upcoming book.
Thanks again, Roxane, and all who read and/or took the time to comment.
Karen, thank YOU! And I’m looking forward to reading the book. I know it will be beautiful, and I’m pleased to have a small part in it, with Gabriel’s help, of course! 🙂
Thanks, Roxane, for publishing this moving story from Karen. I too loved her insight that moving to God is actually a very freeing experience, not one that curtails us in any way.
Several years ago I did a long article on the pain of miscarriage for Our Family Magazine (now no longer in print). I realized through talk with friends how deep an experience miscarriage is, and that women need help and understanding in coping with it.
Lorraine O’Donnell Williams