Parenting Perspectives: Science Educates ‘The Talk’
By Roxane B. Salonen, The Forum
While at a family-friendly eatery with my preteen daughters recently, I was taken aback as two teen girls in a nearby booth began freely discussing intimate details of their dating lives.
Hoping my daughters wouldn’t hear, I watched in dismay as they began to tune in, eyes widening.
Let’s just say some of the appetizers went untouched.
My conflicted feelings were as much for the older girls, who I couldn’t help but feel have been unknowingly deceived by our culture’s “if it feels good, do it” mentality, a message set in motion 40 years ago that has wreaked havoc on our youth.
Back when I was learning about sexually transmitted diseases, it seemed like only a few existed. Now, despite “safer sex,” the list has grown to 25 different varieties. And it seems like the number of infected people is growing.
According to the American Social Health Association, 750,000 Americans carry human papillomavirus and 4 million people have contracted chlamydia. Two-thirds of all STDs occur in ages 25 or younger.
Girls under 20 have been hardest hit, due in large part to an immature cervix especially vulnerable to STDs because of its thinner transformation zone, an area that thickens and offers more protection against disease as a female matures.
I’d learned all this the same week of the aforementioned restaurant encounter through the work of Miriam Grossman, M.D.
In her two books, Unprotected (2007) and You’re Teaching My Child What? (2009), Grossman, a campus psychiatrist, offers strong scientific evidence against the ability of young people to make smart sexual choices without guidance.
Many have been prevented from hearing the evidence, Grossman says, because of a prevailing sex-education agenda that advocates sexual intimacy at whatever age the person (child) deems right.
Grossman cites Columbia University’s reputable “Go Ask Alice” website as one place that offers advice on sexuality that can put teens in harm’s way.
Sources like this, she says, fail to introduce facts about such things as oxytocin, a powerful hormone that stimulates mother-child bonding but also can be triggered by a kiss or even a hug just 20 seconds in duration.
Oxytocin acts on the brain’s reward center, she explains, sending the message, “Now I’m with someone special. I can relax and trust.”
Helpful as oxytocin is at the right moment, it can hamper judgment when ill-timed.
Add to that what we’ve discovered through neuroscience about the frontal lobe, the reasoning part of our brain, and its relative ineptness in adolescence. Teens are much more apt to act on emotion rather than sound judgment. Just ask your auto rental company.
Girls, who possess higher amounts of oxytocin, are especially vulnerable to being smitten by a testosterone-flooded young man who might be uninterested in sticking around when an STD or pregnancy occurs.
Though some might be tempted to view Grossman’s revelations as faith-based fear tactics, compelling biological facts cannot be ignored by anyone acting on behalf of our youth.
But facts aside, Grossman says organizations like the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States and Planned Parenthood consistently tell teens to listen to their own hearts on the matter.
Some good news comes from a poll Grossman cites that points to teens being highly influenced by parents in their decision to delay sexual activity.
Our children are listening to us, after all.
As luck would have it, I’d just shared some facts about oxytocin with my girls in the minivan before our arrival at the restaurant with the chatty teen girls. So instead of feeling powerless in that situation, I was able to give them a real-life example of why my daughters ought to be particularly mindful of their choices in this regard.
I’ll admit, a part of me wanted to gather up those girls in the next booth and share with them – in a gentle way – what I’ve learned, to help them feel cherished and empowered enough to reconsider their dangerous choices.
The best I can do is keep talking to my own kids and sharing information with other parents. Armed with scientific facts, fully developed frontal lobes and love, we can lead our children toward happiness and health.
Roxane B. Salonen works as a freelance writer and children’s author in Fargo, where she and her husband, Troy, are the parents of five children.
Wow! You changed an uncomfortable situation into a teaching moment for all of us! I’ve been thinking about the hug effect. As we mature, we start to discern which hugs feel like loving embraces and which ones are taking something from us. We need to trust our instincts.
Roxanne, as you probably know, I’m pretty liberal, but this is one area where I have very conservative views. Dr. Laura Berman did a fascinating session with two teenagers on television. She posed a series of probing questions to both about where the relationship was heading and what sex meant to each of them. By the time she was done, the girl changed her mind. The biggest question, “How long do you think this relationship will last?” The boy said, “Uh, I dunno, three months maybe.” The girl, “I love him, a year, maybe two.” Anyhow, she had one more huge tip to keep girls from becoming sexually active too early, but I suspect I will offend many of your readers if I write it down. If you want to know, let me know, and I will email it to you.
Wow, Roxane! And for someone who had “gone fishing,” you came through here with a powerful message! Kidding aside, thank you for this invaluable post which I plan to promote highly.
It’s extremely important to get this message out and help our children and all children. Let’s keep working on reaching the parents.
God bless you dear mother friend!
Donna-Marie
Mary and Donna, thanks so much for stopping by and for your encouragement with this column.
Mary, you are so right about the hug thing. Some hugs take and some give. We need to be aware of which is which. What a great point.
And Donna, you made me smile. I wrote this column before my fishing expedition, but it just appeared today. You know how it goes with the publishing lag. 🙂 No matter when or where it appears, I feel passionately about the subject matter and glad you appreciated it and will promote it as well. It’s definitely worth it to help our kids have the best chance at a healthy life!
Shari, oops! Your comment was posted out of order so I didn’t respond, but I’m so glad you shared your views. Honestly, this is a topic that I feel should appeal in the same way to liberals and conservatives alike. I have stood on both sides of the fence, but became more socially conservative in part because of issues like this. But I don’t think there should be a dividing line of any sort between doing the right thing for our children. I know it’s not quite that black and white, but in this case, it should be. Absolutely, please send the information. I’ll look forward to it!
Finally, I remember reading an Ann Landers column when I was in high school. It said simply: “Boys give love to have sex, girls give sex to have love.” Wow, did that ever resonate and make me think about whether I wanted to give away my body to some young guy who really didn’t intend to stick with me for the long haul. More young people need to hear things like this before they do something they’ll regret, or that could impact their lives in a negative way forever. Do we love our children enough to not let politics get in the way? I hope so!
Roxane, a priest I know tells girls and women alike that the guy they are having sex with hasn’t commited to anything – until they are married – that’s when the guy commits to the relationship.
I love your last question, Roxane. To answer it – YES! A resounding “yes” we do love them enough! So now, let’s show them and care enough to broach these difficult subjects.
What does he tell the boys?
Mary, Dr. Grossman is a she (Miriam), and she says plenty about boys, too, though she says girls are generally more vulnerable simply because of the way they are made, both physically and psychologically (I’m paraphrasing). If I’d had more room, I could have expounded more, but I was already over word count to tackle what is a fairly complex subject. Also, I tried to sum up two full books worth of information — no easy task. That said, I have the books and would happily lend them to you. It’s good information — you won’t regret knowing what she so expertly and courageously shares.
Well as a long ago Mother of only female children, I think that the Mothers of male children sometimes drop the ball. Sexual activity is more or less expected from young men..their Mothers and Fathers do little to educate them or hold them responsible for all their sexual activities:(
Far Side, I’d say there’s quite a bit of justification behind your feelings. That said, I certainly have tried to make my sons as aware as my daughters. There have been quite a few excellent speakers come to our school to help in that regard. In a discussion with a friend earlier today, I shared that I think a great deal of the issue with boys is that they are caught up in the same culture we all are that teaches them to objectify women, to regard women as objects to mainly be used for their pleasure. You see it everywhere, on so many ads, in movies. Our boys, who are as innocent as our girls, are bombarded by these messages that teach them not to protect and love women as they were made to do, but to use and discard them. I see it more as a societal issue, but you’re absolutely right in that parents have an obligation to help curb the nonsense, to help their boys become more aware. Through the Make a Sound Choice program here in Fargo, both boys and girls are talked to about respecting their bodies and that of those of the opposite gender equally. They don’t even put them in separate classes, because it’s more about healthy life choices and loving yourself so you can love others rightly than anything else. It’s a positive, beautiful message that more are hearing, thankfully, but there’s more work in getting out this incredible message of life in abundance. Thanks for the comment!