Parenting Perspectives: Mother has dual identity
By Roxane B. Salonen, The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead
I’v
e suspected for a while that I’ve been leading a dual-identity life.
It hit me straight-on recently as I prepared to speak at a Young Author Conference in northern Minnesota. Watching me pack, my 5-year-old son asked, “Wheow aow you going again?”
“Somewhere to help children learn how to write books,” I’d explained.
“But why?” he persisted.
I got the feeling he wasn’t talking about the students, but me. What qualified me to do this work? It wasn’t connecting.
At that point, a strange realization took hold. Somehow, in all of the busyness of mothering him – this child who was fashioned in my womb while I was fashioning my books – I’d never told Nick I’m an author.
This same youngster has been following me around the past month grasping a spiral notebook and pen, asking things like, “How do you speow ‘Spidew-Man’?” and “What’s six pwus six equo?”
He’s also the child who pretends to type as quickly as I do while he’s on a plastic, kid-sized “computer,” clicking away at nothingness as if he were writing up the latest article or newspaper column.
Just a month prior to his birth, on St. Patrick’s Day 2005, a box of advance copies of “P is for Peace Garden: A North Dakota Alphabet” arrived at my doorstep.
I, with my large belly, celebrated with him in utero. This prompted our choosing for him the middle name of Patrick after my great-grandfather, another author, Patrick E. Byrne.
But apparently I’ve taken for granted the fact that my youngest son’s life and my books are inseparable. I knew it but had failed to let him know. While I helped foster his love for books and the people who write them by reading aloud hundreds of stories, I’d never thought to read those that link straight back to him.
Perhaps my failure to fill in the gaps for my son is an omission akin to his own inability to comprehend that my world was well under way by the time he entered it. Our lives in relation to one another are not always fully grasped.
I’m not the only parent leading a dual, even triple, life. There’s the rarely fathomed professional identity, the before-kids persona and, most important to the child, the role of parent.
Despite the sudden jolt, I’m content with the fact that my identity as Nick’s mother is the one I’ve revealed most fully to him, the one most unhidden. It’s the one that has secured his existence and survival and trumps all others.
The other two identities may remain mysterious to him, even if they help fill in the blanks of his life, just as pieces of his life will always be mysterious to me.
[This column originally appeared in The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead newspaper on Tuesday, June 1, 2010. Reprinted with permission.]
That’s cute. I suppose it’s hard for our kids to see us as more than just their mom. When I was working on my dramas for Augsburg, Charlie came up to ask for something, probably food, and I said I needed a few minutes. He said, “Okay, I can wait. Besides, you’re a great writer, Mom.” I’ve tucked that one in my heart forever.
Ah Roxane, This situation could be me with my 4 yo. She “writes” and carries her little Barbie laptop around. She even gave me “speeches” after she heard me practicing mine (when I taught for a recent highschool writer’s club). She imitates everything I do. But in her mind, that’s just what a mother does. She hasn’t really seen me in anything but this dual role. Whereas, my older kids have and so this has been a harder adjustment for them.
Mary, that is a keeper for sure! So sweet, that Charlie is.
And Jody, that is a wonderful visual as well. I love the speech mimicking! Yes, I’m sure it has been difficult at times for your older children to adjust to your new role. But kids are resilient. They will adjust. In time, it will be harder for them to recall a time when you were just mom and not the author mom you are becoming. You will inspire them in ways they (or you) can’t even comprehend.
Roxane, I love this story. Your little guy sounds so precious, especially with your phonetic spelling. I can just see it! 🙂
What sweet memories you share with your little one! My family on the other hand…don’t understand this new interest of mine and why “I am always on the computer??” (Actually, I don’t believe I am on it that much, they are just used to me doing other things.)
Shannon, I miss him! He’s with his grandparents’ this week. I will enjoy hearing his little voice when it returns.
Kim, I have heard the same. So, not all of my family members are understanding. I’m just not sure how to be a writer without spending a good chunk of time on the computer.
Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Oops! That last comment was from me, not my daughter (who was logged in again on my Google without my knowing it!)
Hi Roxane, a blog buddy of mine, DL Hammons (http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/), is on a quest to connect with bloggers from every state and country across the globe! He does not have any buddies from North Dakota, so I said I’d send you his way. His blog is awesome so you should definitely check it out! To help him on his quest, follow him and leave a comment with your location on this post http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/2010/05/blogging-buddies-around-globe.html
Thanks, Roxane!
This was so interesting, Roxane. I have 3 kids now, and one on the way and my youngest and the new baby don’t know anything about what I do (my 2 year old wouldn’t understand yet). I love that my daughters can appreciate it though. My oldest daughter has already told me that when she grows up she wants to be an author, just like her mom. 🙂
Sooo cute Roxane & just so you know what to expect? When they get older and no longer care to stroke your writers’ ego, they’ll simply promise to “read” your great work later 🙂
Shine on!
Clara.