The other day I was talking to our occasional sitter by phone, and just as I was about to hang up, she said she had something to tell me. Apparently the last time my 5-year-old was at her house, he’d let an expletive slip. A boy with whom he’d been playing had told his mom, who reported it to the sitter. “Honestly, I didn’t hear it myself, but I just thought you should know,” she said.
I wish I’d have reacted with utter disbelief, but it wasn’t his first public offense. Last summer, this same child, at 4, was sent home by a neighbor after letting one fly in her back-yard sandbox. He’d apparently received a warning already, so out he went after the second slip. I concurred with her decision, knowing she was only trying to protect the innocence of her child, also 4 and an only child who’d not been unfairly influenced by older siblings.
Nevertheless I was saddened that it had happened in the first place. As the youngest of five, our littlest son is deeply aware of the injustices of his small world, and as such, has struggled to keep his strong emotions in check. That doesn’t give him an excuse but at least explains the disposition preceding his blunder.
I greatly admire families who have managed to stave off the curse of the potty mouth. Unfortunately, much as I’ve wished to be among them, a few choice words have slipped into our home here and there throughout the years. And once they’re out, it’s mighty hard to erase them. Curse words are like poison that seeps into the soul of a home with the goal of taking up residence, affecting all those within and beyond.
Unfortunately, I’ve had no help from the culture with my mission to eliminate profane words from our corner. I’m continually shocked by the steep downhill slide I’ve witnessed over the years regarding the acceptance level of cursing in the media, for example, even in light of my own childhood environment on the reservation, where graffiti on the outside walls of our school paved the way for my learning the facts of life, and expletives flowed freely and easily, often as an expression of inward pain.
Certainly, I can’t be the only mother out there saddened by witnessing her child’s absorption of negative words, and realizing he sees them as powerful, something to be used as a weapon when things feel unfair. Even though I know there are things I can do to help curb the problem, it’s a challenge, to say the least.
When I hear a curse word emanate from the lips of my children, I feel powerless to some extent, because even if a corrective is issued, irrevocable damage already has been done. I can try to guide, correct, and parent him or her through it, but all the same, the words sting my heart and shout “Failure!” into my ears.
Despite our culture’s ready acceptance of curse words, despite my own weakness at different times in my life to properly ward them off, I view them as extremely lame substitutes for real words. As a word lover who believes mightily in the power of life-giving words, I abhor curse words even as I fight to keep them at bay within my home. I see them as a feeble excuses for expressing our brokenness. Though they might attract attention and garner a swift response, there are far more honorable ways to accomplish the same.
I would love all the curse words to dry up and vanish. But since that’s unlikely to happen, I must accept them as stark reminders of the imperfections of my family, motherhood and self. Curse words reveal the constant battle of good and evil that is within me — and everybody else who has roamed the earth. As a parent, when I hear them, I’m forced to confront my family’s weaknesses. This can be painful for those of us doing our best to raise respectful citizens and better ourselves.
Even if we parents who have experienced curse words within our home feel powerless in the moment of utterance, God’s grace gives us all that we need to keep trying to improve. In fact, the other day, an idea popped into my head to this end. I told the kids the next time I hear a curse word from them, they’ll be resigned to doing bathroom chores. “If you insist on having a potty mouth, you’ll be assigned toilet-cleaning duty.” We’ll see if the idea flushes.
We have three toilets, each typically in need of a good cleaning. My preference now would be that I end up having to clean them myself; that the curse of the potty mouth will have been lifted from our hearth. But if that doesn’t happen right off, if this turns out to be a cross I’m to bear for a while longer, at the very least…our toilets will sparkle.
If you’ve been afflicted by the curse of the potty mouth in your home, what are some things you’ve implemented to keep your family from using “choice words” to air frustration?
Oh how I love this post. Thank you so much for putting it up here. I read it about an hour ago, went off to ponder and pray and have returned.
I grew up in a house where potty mouth was the standard. That said, I was constantly told “not to use that *?#! kind of language” by my parents.
They meant so well. *sigh* They truly did.
In any case, I grew up to have the same mouth and due to many anger issues that have slowly but surely been healed, the use of such words was exacerbated.
When I started to spend time with the then 8-year-old who was soon to become my now 13-year-old stepdaughter, I knew I had to change. If nothing else – she demanded it! She did not like that talk, which I tried to avoid, but often used.
We came up with a system of “payment” in which I would give her a quarter every time I swore.
I did not want this to become attractive to her and thanks be to God, I stopped almost immediately.
It slips back now and then but not so much. She has often told me that while she liked the money, she likes me more at peace and using appropriate language.
Honestly though – it is not something I truly and deeply thought about until I was around a child. I am not proud of that, but it does say something profound about motherhood, family, community and redemption.
Fran, this means so much to me. I, too, had to pray before writing this post (I should do that every time, but it’s often only with the ones that are hard to write). It would have been easier to throw this one under the rug and just remain silent. But…it’s such a sadness I’ve carried in my heart for a long time that our family has not been able to master this, despite my diligent intentions since the moment I found out I was was pregnant with my first child. I’ve done pretty well, though not perfectly, but as this scourge has continued to affect my “peace garden,” I finally had to bring it to light. It somehow feels better having it there, though I worried I’d been judged. I was hoping someone else would need to hear it. Even if no one else reads my post today, I will have accomplished my purpose. Your step-daughter has been used by God to soften your heart. We all need that, and God wants it, but only because He loves us and wants us to love ourselves. It’s harder for us to do that when our mouths are not in sync with where our hearts are trying to be. Bless you and your hard-won efforts. 🙂 And for praying and taking the time to tell me.
Roxane, this is a great topic. I think many parents hear their own words slapped back at them from very young, sweet lips, and they cringe. I’ve seen them react with such anger, but I wonder if the anger isn’t at themselves for teaching it. On the other hand, you could be making every effort to have squeeky clean language, then you turn on the TV or walk into a public place, and spash! you’re hit with globs of profanity. I was shocked and disgusted by the name of a magazine, displayed at kid level, with a word that is considered very evil in my house, but since people think it’s funny, or want to use it for attention, it is becoming very popular. (It starts with a B and is used to degrade women who show strength.)
I’ve heard of using swearing jars to pay for the offense. The potty duty is great. I just emphasize how bad it is. I’ve said, “That hurts me.” Saying hurtful words to someone cannot be erased. It’s like squeezing all the toothepaste out of the tube then trying to put it back inside.
Great writing, Roxane. Parent with confidence!
Hey Mary! Thanks for your thoughtful response. In answer to the question you pose, I think it can be both; what they’ve taught through their own weakness, or what the society has taught their children. Either way, that feeling of powerlessness is there, because as you said, its the toothpaste effect. The swearing jar works if your kids have money. Ours don’t always, so we can’t really use that, which is why I came up with the toilet chore. Trying to fit the punishment with the crime. Every family is different, and though I wish saying, “That hurts me,” would be enough, it wouldn’t work with all of my kids (some, perhaps). Though, you’re right. That’s what’s at the bottom of it. As for parenting with confidence, I think having the courage to right about this difficult topic does speak to the fact that, though I don’t have all the answers, and sometimes feel perplexed, I feel confident I’ve done the best I could at this point in time. There’s always room for improvement. Mainly, though, I know others struggle with this, even in Christian homes, particularly in Christian homes, perhaps, because there’s often a conscious move away from cursing within them. And oftentimes, we find there are forces beyond just ourselves directing our children. Anyway, I really appreciate your thoughts and share your distaste of the word you mentioned. It does sting to hear poisonous words such as that, definitely. Which is where their “power” comes from. It’s weak, nevertheless. I wish you a weekend filled with loving, sweet words. 🙂
P.S. Should be “courage to write” not “right.” Typo!
What an ingenious idea, Roxane–the “potty mouth, clean the potty” idea. And don’t be discouraged. The culture right now is sooo poisonous that kids don’t even know what words are appropriate half the time.
What I find even more discouraging than profanity is disrespectful language, not only at home but at school. For so long, we have put kids on a even par with adults. Now they feel perfectly comfortable giving me, their teacher, “suggestions”. My own children do this too. And I don’t mean the usual kids stuff of “Hey, Mrs. Stewart, can we play a music game today?” or “Mom, can we get ice cream?” I’m talking about kids giving me suggestions about how to run my classroom/home, along the lines of “Have you ever considered…”
The lines are so blurred for children. They aren’t ready for what we often assume they are. It’s often quite jarring to see our culture work its way into our home, and our classroom.
God bless you this weekend.