Parenting Perspectives: Facing the dating dilemma: How early is too early?
By: Roxane B. Salonen, The Forum
It’s the month of love, a time when those whose hearts have been pitter-pattering for another are encouraged to manifest their feelings.
It’s also a time for many parents to witness the reality of young love within their children.
Who among us didn’t, around age 8, pick out an extra-awesome valentine for that someone special, slip in an extra heart candy bearing the words “Be mine” and seal it with a kiss?
Love makes the world go ’round, and sooner than we can say “chocolate truffles” 20 times fast, our babies have reached dating age.
But what is – or is there – an appropriate age for dating to start?
Several years ago, I heard educator Shelly Donahue talk on this subject. After years of studying teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, she came up with several no-fail dating “rules” for teens, including: driver’s license before dating, and stay within age range (within two years older or younger).
Though these rules may seem arbitrary, Donahue backed them with facts and explained why following them will decrease chances of heartache and turmoil.
I’m always a little surprised when I hear parents bragging about how their preteen child is “in a relationship.” I realize these young relationships might look, and be, fairly innocent, but at what point should our parenting brains kick in and screech, “Slow down!!!”?
I think of my father’s reaction to me wearing makeup in junior high, “What’s with the black junk all over your eyes?”
I had a “whatever” attitude about it then, but realize now his job was, rightly so, to question my actions.
It really wasn’t just about trying out the latest mascara, after all. I was primping to appeal to the opposite gender – and well before I was anywhere close to being emotionally ready for the possible consequences of a dating relationship.
Studies show the brain doesn’t develop its full forward-thinking capacities until around age 25. Until then, we are basically train-wrecks-in-waiting, especially where the opposite gender is concerned.
It follows that our young teens, in particular, need help seeing beyond the latest crush to avoid the chances of irreparable damage later.
I’d even argue we have the right to be nosey to a point, to hover near the cell phone and computer when they are on them and keep tabs on whom they are conversing with and what about.
They might resist it. That is their jobs. Ours is to persist.
Our children are with us for a relatively short time, and although we cannot control their every movement, this is our chance to help them form their life’s base.
We can enjoy a friendship with our grown children later, but for now, it’s more important we guide them assuredly into adulthood.
And, yes, that includes loving them. In fact, I believe the more we parents love our children by offering them our time and engaging them in meaningful conversations, the less likely they’ll be to search for love elsewhere, before they’re ready.
Roxane B. Salonen works as a freelance writer and children’s author in Fargo, where she and her husband, Troy, are the parents of five children.
I was not allowed to date until I was 16! Not that anyone was asking before, or even after. But it was a hard/fast rule strictly adhered to in our house. I think I’m gonna stick to that with my kids! I’m sure I’ll have to be somewhat flexible and define some parameters a bit more, but I have a few more years to figure it out. Right now – boys are “ewwww”…!
I agree with Lori on couple dating at the age of 16. I would be open to my daughter going out as a group with girls and boys. I have also been reading about how important the dad is in the dating arena for the girls especially, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”. Although I may not agree with everything in this book, it gives our husbands a better idea of how girls view the world and what role the father can play in helping them find a spouse.
Lori, your mom is a smart woman. I used to be against dating restrictions…before I became a mom. I started listening to other mothers a little older than I discussing this and came to believe that we parents really need to be more proactive, rather than reactive, when it comes to this subject. Our influence is powerful, especially when accompanied with love. Whenever I impose “rules” on my children for their sakes, I remind them that it’s because I love them and want the best for them, and that I’ve lived long enough to have a grasp of what that is. They might roll their eyes but I’m sticking with this method because I believe in it.
I like what you said about us as parents and that when we show our love to our children, they’re less driven to seek it “out there.” Talk about relationships. That’s the only tool I have in my closet and the only thing that helps me not panic. And, talk about respect. What does it mean? What does it look like? How does it feel?
PS: I think I’m still a “train-wreck-waiting-to-happen” when it comes to dating. Still, I’ve jumped out of the airplane, now. Wonder where I’ll land? Aaaahhhhhh!
Excellent post, Roxane! I agree 100% with the driver’s license and age appropriate rule. As a high school teacher, I see far more than I’d like to regarding teen dating issues. Dating too soon can have very painful and sometimes damaging consequences. You are absolutely right about our role and our responsibilities as parents. Well said, friend. 🙂
I am not sure how well it would work to try restricting one’s children’s interactions with the other sex until they are 25, but I agree with your thoughts overall. There is so much that is lost in terms of friendship when romance takes over as the focus at a young age.
Shannon, good to hear from a high school teacher on this. 🙂 Appreciate the affirmation, especially coming from one who has seen much!
Mary, you are not a train wreck. You are more capable than you think in this area. You really are. It’s just new terrain is all. We all feel a bit vulnerable when we’re starting over with something new.
Jennifer, sounds like a really good book, and I agree that fathers are essential. Shelly Donahue talked about this — absent fathers and how that affects girls as they are growing. Sometimes they are absent emotionally or physically, such as the workaholic father.
And finally, Rae, I agree with you! We are restricted in word count with these parenting columns, so I didn’t have a chance to go into what an appropriate age MIGHT be. The age 25 is when most brains can think more long term, but certainly, I don’t think that everyone needs to wait until 25 years old to date. I was 23 when I married. Then again, we met when we were 18 and were a bit on the young side. Mainly, I threw it out there as a cautionary figure, that we need to approach this with care and thoughtfulness as parents. Glad my points resonated with you.
Bottom line: as Mary suggested, keep talking with your kids, even if they act like they’re uninterested. 🙂
Roxane, I loved your topic today, especially since I have a 14 1/2 y.o. daughter who is interested in “dating”…we are trying to hold to the “16” guideline. As we didn’t have that rule when her siblings were that age, it is a bit more of a challenge to enforce this new rule. Thankfully, she is a great kid and hasn’t pushed it to much. (regarding the change in the rule, our older two children were both good kids, they just seemed to get too exclusive when they were in their late teen’s.)
My parents didn’t let me date until I was 16. I “hung out” with groups of guys and girls before that , but never paired off. I’m going to have the same rule for my kids. Dating is fun, but so is being friends.
Also, I really believe that we need to talk to our kids about good and bad relationships, so much of what is portrayed in books and movies just isn’t healthy.
Great post. My oldest is only 5, but since we have three girls my husband and I have already started talking about (with great fear and trepidation – well, maybe not that dramatic) the dating years. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 and I remember thinking that was so unfair. However, I still wasn’t ready when I did start dating at 16. It was very confusing and scary. I remember my first boyfriend (who was one year older and really quite nice) reeked of cologne and made me feel uncomfortable when he’d wait for me by my locker at school and try to hold my hand. Why was I in such a hurry?
Later I suffered the malady of a broken heart and my parents – who only dated one another and married when they were 18 and 19 – had no idea how to help me. Now I’m thankful I had that heartbreak because I think I’ll be able to better minister to my girls.
Anyway, thanks for sharing the great article. God bless.
Roxane: very thought-provoking article. I was allowed to date at 15, though didn’t have terribly much opportunity, since my circle was mostly shy geeky guys who were fun friends. Having a strong relationship with my older brother and a pretty good one with Dad was a surprising safeguard against getting into bad or too intense relationships in HS and college. One thing parents can do for sure is help their kids develop high standards for healthy relationships with the opposite sex by modeling them at home. Girls who are told by Dad they are special and loved unconditionally won’t seek those assurances in unhealthy places. Teen boys need affection from family, if in private, so they don’t rush into sex when what they need most is hugs.
BTW, I have an award for you on my blog.
I love all the thoughts that have collected here today regarding dating. We’ve definitely only just begun this journey. Laurel, oh, how exciting. I’m heading over there now!
Wonderful thoughts, Roxane. In my circle of friends, there’s even a lot of talk about courtship–the idea of not dating but instead being friends, until you know you’re ready to marry that person.
I noticed you turned off your comment on today’s post about Lent! (Is that permanent now through lent?) I wanted to let you know that you’ve given me a lot to think about! Our church doesn’t promote Lent at all, and in some ways I feel like we’re missing out on some of the ideas you mentioned–like looking to God to meet our deepest hunger.
P.S. Loved the pictures of the cats on your Valentine post!
Hi, Roxane! I came to echo the thoughts and comments posted by Jody. I guess she and I are thinking alike today. My church has Lenten services, but we don’t actually give things up. I love the way you look at it as a way of drawing closer to God. Thanks for always sharing your faith with us.