“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” — Edith Wharton
Did you know light heals? I’m not talking metaphorically, though that way is just as true. I mean literally. Sunlight acts as a natural antiseptic and is capable of killing all sorts of ugly stuff – bacteria, fungi, yeasts, molds and mites, whether in air, water or on a surface.
I couldn’t stop thinking about that fact as I left a luncheon talk the other day. The event, “Out of the Darkness, Into the Light,” featured a panel of five post-abortive women invited by our local FirstChoice Clinic to talk about their dark journey to and through abortion.
I realize this sort of topic can be extremely divisive, so if you’re inclined to click out of this post immediately, I assure you, “I come in peace.” And even if it’s a bit uncomfortable for you to delve into this issue, I hope you’ll stay long enough to absorb what I learned through these brave, beautiful women who have dared to let light come into their lives and heal them, and in turn, help heal others.
How could this topic not be divisive? Life is the most powerful force there is, and as such, there’s bound to be tension and emotional upset when such topics emerge. Everything hinges on life. Without it, there is only silence and darkness. God said first, “Let there be light,” and that changed everything. The same is true today and for all time. When darkness takes over, life on earth will cease. Even though we as Christians fully believe that life and light brighter than any we’ve known here await us in the hereafter, we have some power now to either hasten that process of the earth darkening, or temporarily reverse it.
After listening to these women the other day, I’ve come to believe that they and others like them will be key in transforming and unifying our world’s hearts and minds on the issue of abortion. It is imperative we listen to women who have experienced the devastating effects of abortion and lived to tell. Listen I did, and having done so, I can’t get their brave voices out of my head.
A little background on the women who formed the panel: they all came from Christian homes, though varied religious affiliation, and they all admitted on some level they knew that by choosing abortion, they would be killing their child. But as is always the case with abortion, other forces took over; mainly, fear. Fear that their parents wouldn’t love them if they found out they were pregnant. Fear that they would be publicly shamed. Fear that this life within them would compromise their goals if left to grow and thrive. As their fears grew, so did their capacity to trust the lies to which they eventually succumbed.
Each of the women told their ages at the time of the abortion and how far along they’d been in their pregnancies. Four were in the first trimester; one had had a late-term, partial birth abortion. As a teenager, she endured labor following the premeditated death of her child. Some remembered every detail of her abortion while others had repressed much of the experience. Most remembered at least some of the details of that day: the emotional coldness of the abortion facility and how the women in the waiting room were all stone-faced; being called not by a name but a number; sobbing while the abortion was being performed and then hearing the staff muttering with disdain, “What’s wrong with her?”; being offered cookies and juice after the procedure; being assured there’s really no reason to be sad, “It was only a blob of tissues.”
Some repressed details that would seem obvious, like the season in which the abortion took place (winter, fall, spring, summer?) and where the clinic was located (“I remember the city, but that’s it.”). All remembered the resulting fall-out – the digression of their lives, how things quickly began spinning out of control. One, a mother of two, started drinking heavily, even drinking and driving with her children in the car. All engaged in self-destructive behavior in one form or another.
The moderator of the panel explained this phenomenon, saying that even when we don’t want to believe that abortion is murder, God’s law is written on our hearts, and so is an innate sense of justice. “Andrea Yates went to prison for killing her children. We just went on with our lives, or so we thought,” she said. Because there was no physical repercussion for their actions, they subconsciously punished themselves, she explained. Guilt and shame and grief drove them to self-destruct.
All of the women expressed in varying ways how the further down into their souls they pushed the reality of what they had done, the more it festered in the dark and grew, fueling their shame. They also all shared examples of being pulled out of the darkness and in some cases, being saved from physical death, and in all cases, being saved from spiritual death. They expressed the deep healing that occurred once the source of their shame was brought to light and recognized for what it was: murder, yes that, but not unforgivable.
“With abortion, there are two people who die,” the moderator said. “The baby dies, and the mother dies inside, too.” She described one post-abortive mother who committed suicide after planning her funeral in detail. She was buried in black with a rose in her casket to represent her dead child.
I know – this is hard stuff to read. I am not sharing it to cause anyone distress or an unnecessary rousing of emotions. I’m sharing it because these women gave me the courage to do so. They helped me see clearly that to believe abortion is a help to women is an absolute deception. No matter the relief that might happen immediately after an abortion, no matter how free a woman might feel for a short while, it cannot and will not last. Sooner or later, it will catch up to her. Women are just as at risk as the babies. If that is truly grasped by the wider public, there is a strong chance the tide will turn.
I don’t believe in hearing a life-changing message without taking some kind of action. How could I listen to these women bare their souls and walk away without any effort to affirm them in their courageous move to try turning darkness into light? In this case, I am simply the mirror hoping to reflect the light to which I was exposed the other day so others might feel its warm, healing capacity as well.
We all have turned away from the light at times, and in doing so, turned our backs on the very God who created us. Many of the reasons we used to justify these sins were fear-based, just like in the cases of these women, but in the end what we did hurt someone else, maimed us and saddened God.
The only way any of us can make our wrongs right is for light to enter in. The natural antiseptic qualities of sunlight have the capacity to make our bodies whole, just as the Light of Lights can heal our wounded spirits.
I stand in awe of women who have had abortions, and later, have gone through a reconciliation process and come out healed. I admire those who have been on the inside and have found the courage to shine their lights out into the world. We are all children of God first, and as long as we recognize this first and cooperate with Him, God can and will make all things good. No sin is unforgivable.
One in four pregnancies ends in abortion, which means it’s possible someone reading this has had an abortion. If you are one of them, please know that healing is possible. Contact Rachel’s Vineyard to take part in a confidential, post-abortive healing retreat. If you’re pregnant and scared and live in the Fargo-Moorhead area, FirstChoice Clinic will treat you with love and compassion and help you explore life-giving options that you will never regret. If you know you’re going to keep your baby but need assistance, contact the St. Gianna’s Maternity Home or The Perry Center. No one should have to travel this dark road alone. These organizations and others like them exist to bring light to lives and help heal wounds.
For all others, what are your thoughts on the healing capacity of light?
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful….Thank you thank you thank you…as a post-abortive woman it is not easy to come out of the darkness and into the light, but once we do it is glorious.
Pam
Thank you for sharing this, Roxane. As this divisive debate continues, I agree it’s critical we hear from post-abortive woman. I found the details of their journeys so interesting – and heart-breaking. They are in my prayers!
What young women need to believe, and the message the people in their lives need to give them is, if a baby is inside you, we will love you and support you.
Mary, Amen!!! 🙂
Thank you for this beautiful reflection, Roxane. I was one of the women on that panel. I appreciate you being there to listen and so appreciate your words. You are right about the power of LIGHT and its capacity to heal. It is by shedding the LIGHT of the world and His Truth on those around us that they, too, will come into the LIGHT!
You know, Roxane, my birth mom was a teenager when I was born. I was a “mistake,” or “unwanted” in the terms of some of the more radical pro-choice folks. But I was adopted by two incredible parents and I’ve had a wonderful life. I will always be grateful to Judy (my birth mom) for deciding to go ahead with her pregnancy. Incidentally, we’ve recently made contact–I’ll post about it when I’m feeling a little better. 🙂
I wish both sides of the debate would come together and talk about more ways to support women with problem pregnancies. I know of several friends who have had abortions, and all of them did it because they felt backed against a wall with no other choices. I think a lot of people would like to come together to work on this, but the debate has become so nasty and polemical it keeps us from doing so. Thanks for writing about this very controversial topic in such a non-controversial way!
Life is such a precious gift from God.
Thank you dear ladies — those who are the subject of this discussion (thank you so much again for your bravery) and for the others as well. Barbara, I am so very grateful your birth mother made the choice she did. I, too, have walked near people who have made this choice, and likely, others I don’t even know have. The guiding force always needs to be love! If we truly responded that way, abortion would vanish. I agree both sides need to come together more peacefully. (BTW, so excited to meet you in person this weekend, Barbara!)
Roxanne,
This is awesome. Very well written. Thank you. I thought that was you, but wasn’t sure. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you in person.
So thankful to be in His Light!!
erin
Roxane,
Thank you so much for writing this story so eloquently. You are such a talented writer. People that are pro choice need to realize that abortion hurts everyone – women, men, children, families. What kind of choice is abortion when women feel like “they have no choice.”
Again, thank you for being there on Wednesday and using your talents to spread the message.
Blessings – Ruth
Ruth! Bless your heart for coming by and commenting. I have a feeling Pauline sent you my way, and I’m certainly glad. I really was writing it for all of you as much as those who might be changed by your message. Blessings!
I have a little something for you over at my place!
Beautiful, Roxane! Thank you for reflecting the light even further with your powerful and honest reflection of their presentation, and for passing on to us the witness of these brave women. There are so many walking wounded from this act of violence… so many who need to be loved and reminded they are and are invited live be-loved! May the witness of these courageous voices — including yours! — multiply God’s healing. Amen!
Rox. Como estas?
Very serious thinking about such thorny,yet paramount issue. I hope your weekend has been good,despite the maddening weather in the Midwest area. Eastern WA is not really as bad as many think. Anyway, I am listening to Herb Alpert’s Rise and wow, he’s a truly amazing composer-trumpetist.
take care.
Roxane,
Over Christmas I got to spend time with my wonderful cousin who is a Dominican Priest….over New Years Eve dinner someone asked him what the hardest thing is to deal with during confession.
His imediate reply….”Abortion”
He said that the woman are “shattered” and “broken” and for the most part believe that there is no forgiveness for them….. no matter how much time has passed.
Certainly woman who have had abortions need to be given all the love we can muster.