Mama Mondays: feminist and proud
As I’ve read along this past week in my friend Donna Marie Cooper O’Boyle’s book, The Domestic Church: Room by Room, I’ve felt the kind of exhilaration one feels when coming upon the refreshing truth about something. This certainly is not a message we women are used to hearing – that in our roles as mothers, we are taking part in one of the most significant and honorable endeavors possible. But it’s an important, vital message, and I can’t help but want to share it with others since it is so not the message we typically hear, but so the one I feel we need to hear.
Throughout the reading, my mind hearkened back often to the idea of the New Feminism, a concept a friend introduced me to about a decade ago. I remember what happened as she described all it encompasses: a billion bells began going off in my head. This is it! This is what I have believed for some time now but didn’t have a name for! It was amazing to me that significant aspects of my evolving identity – ones with few points of reference in the secularized world – had been formalized by others before me. To learn I wasn’t alone in the way I felt was incredibly affirming.
At some point during my college years, I’d begun considering myself a feminist because I needed to put a name to my feeling that my worth as a woman was not being fully acknowledged by the world around me. I was becoming aware of how women are commonly objectified, and feeling quite offended by this objectification, among other imbalances. I knew it wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t truth. I wanted to feel honored in the way men, by and large, seemed to be being honored, so it seemed logical to add feminist to my growing list of young-adult self-descriptions.
In time, though, much of the feminism to which I’d been subscribing began to feel off. I came to realize that the kind of feminism the culture presents most often required me to deny certain parts of myself, those qualities that had been with me since my earliest years of playing dolls with my sister. Despite my longtime desire to be a mother, I’d been molded in college to believe that motherhood was a substandard goal, and that true happiness would only come through embarking on a “real” career. And in order for things to ever balance out in the men-dominated work force, my presence was required out there, not in the home.
I’m not saying it was all bad. My time of being fully engaged in that outside world did allow me to hone certain skills and better understand the world in ways that would have been more difficult to discover had I not been dwelling in that sphere for a time. But I also was beginning to feel deceived, not to mention quite empty.
Then, something changed everything: motherhood.
It was shocking to me how quickly I took to it, how almost instantaneously my priorities became reordered. It was then, as a new mother, that I began to question my previously-held views of the kind of feminism the world had dished out to me, because so much of that viewpoint did not match how I was feeling inside. Still, I was left to grapple through all of this, mostly alone and with little to no support from the outside world.
It was only through living my calling of motherhood and connecting with my children in a way I had never connected with a human being before that I came to discover the New Feminism, years before I knew there was a name for it.
Which is why I was so delighted the day my friend named it for me. Unlike the old feminism, she explained, the New Feminism embraced the idea of women and men having complementary roles, with neither gender being better than the other. It perpetuated the idea that men and women, while both totally equal in dignity, possess unique characteristics that, when honored, lead to a more harmonious world.
It was a no-brainer to me at that point. Yes, I was a New Feminist, and proudly so. There was no brainwashing taking place, either; not like before. This time, it was a case of me happening up the real truth, based on the life I had come to discover as part of my most authentic calling. I didn’t have to deny any aspect of myself within New Feminism. I could fully embrace my identity as a professional and a mother and a Christian and a female. Yes, within this “movement,” I could embrace my femininity. I didn’t have to be ashamed of it, to hide it away. None of my best qualities, talents and strengths would be denied me in this beautiful vision. And better yet, there was no competition to be had with my husband or any other male, not to mention among the women in my life. We all had significant roles to play in keeping the world moving forward, and we needed one another to carry out this vision of how life could best be lived. It required mutual respect, cooperation and the honoring of those differing strengths each were bringing to the world, the work force and ultimately, our homes.
In her book, Donna reminds us of a quote from Blessed Teresa of Calcutta: “This is our gift as women. We have been created to be the center and the heart of the family.” In other words, within those complementary roles that we embrace as male and female, females in particular, in their relational genius, are called to play a special and crucial role as center and heart of the hearth. This is not to take away all that men bring to the same sphere, but to identify the special and dignified role that a woman has as mother and wife.
Who can deny our unique and special roles as women, as mothers? Who can deny that there are some hats that only we can wear with that special flair and vitality? Likewise, there are hats the only men wear well, and men, too, ought to be empowered in those capacities. They need to be allowed to embrace their unique but vital areas of strength. It’s not either-or. Both and all are needed.
This vision – of the complementary service men and women are to be to their families, to one another and to the world – is hugely exciting to me. It makes both logical and emotional sense, and I honestly feel anyone would be hard-pressed to argue with it if they truly took the time to understand it as it has been presented by some, including Pope John Paul II, who so expertly explained the complementary roles of man and woman, husband and wife.
If this concept is new to you, I challenge you to go to this article, where you’ll be taken to a YouTube video that explains the New Feminism much more eloquently than I have. And then, I encourage you to come back and share your thoughts.
What does the word feminism mean to you? Has your view of it changed at all as you’ve moved through your life?
I’ll eventually get to the link you provided, but I do have a few thoughts bouncing around in my noggin I thought I would share. I’m not sure I agree with the term “new feminism”. I think it does a bit of a disservice to our mother’s generation who fought so hard for their daughters and women’s equality. I like to think that how American women live today is more about evolution rather than “new”. The concept and ideas of 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s feminism has morphed and evolved. Yes, we don’t have to necessarily dress like a man to compete in today’s business world. We don’t have to forgo motherhood to be CEO. We have opinions and equal conversations with our husbands. We run for public office. The ideas are the same as always. How it looks is different, but it is not new. In my opinion, anyway.
I think about this a lot because as a child of the 70s/80s (growing up idolizing Mary Richards & Rhoda, and then Murphy Brown, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and movies like 9 to 5, Working Girls, etc.,) I would have never imagined me as a stay-at-home mother. In some ways, feminism told me I should not be. I had to “represent”. I worked very hard in my career. I fought like hell – I worked in advertising; the epitome of the boys club. (Sometimes, it left me wondering if feminism existed at all. You can’t imagine the sexism and misogyny!) Nonetheless, I might have a different perspective because I lived a whole lifetime before I had kids and settled into domesticity. I’ve essentially retired from all that business nonsense. In fact, I like to think of myself living a 50s lifestyle – without the repression, of course. And my husband is a lot more understanding and is my partner in this whole thing called marriage and parenthood. The difference between then and now is all about CHOICE. I choose this life. I’ve chosen every step of the way about my life. I make the decisions. This is what our mothers fought for. Even motherhood is a choice for me. I chose when and how many kids I have. I think I cherish the idea of motherhood more than generations before me because for the most part, it is on my terms. I’m happy as a clam, fully content and satisfied. But again, my perspective might be skewed because I’m older (albeit more exhausted!). These choices are not what my mother had in her generation or the decades to follow. Also, the stigma of staying home to raise the kids isn’t as intense as it was, perhaps even 10 years ago. However, the pressure of “what are you going to do once they are still in school” is still there. I feel that not only from outsiders, but from myself. And, I have no idea!!!
I do realize feminism isn’t just about equality in the workplace. It is a feeling. A feeling of respect from everyone for the choices we get to make as women.
Lori, thanks, wow! Great response. Well, I think the word “New” is not so much a disassociation from the honorable aspects of the “old” feminism (and there were many of those as well, including some you stated here) as it is from those elements of the “old” feminism that went too far; in fact, the very ones you mentioned — those that told you you “should not be,” as you said. Indeed, the older version of feminism DID espouse that we had to be like men in order to be among men. Even in our generation, you said you had to fight hard to make it, and all that to realize that being at home with your little ones made you happiest of all. To me, the New Feminism is taking all of the great things about the older version and adding even more justice to it. It basically defines feminism in much the way you describe the old feminism has evolved toward. As usual, I think we are saying so much of the same things, just in slightly different ways. But let me assure you, New Feminism is not at all about throwing out the baby with the bath water. It’s got all the good stuff in there, all those things women fought so hard for, and then some. That’s the beauty of it. The New Feminism is a softer, gentler approach that not only recognizes the dignity of women, but the dignity of men as well, within that complete picture of what our world needs to work harmoniously. It honors both. It’s not about the fight, but about embracing all the good that each gender brings to the table. So, I think we’re speaking the same language, with just a word or two off from the other. Glad to hear from you as always, friend… Roxane
Thanks for this great post, Roxane. I hope it stirs up a conversation. Thank you for mentioning my book too. I’m glad it’s speaking to your heart.
I read Mary’s article over at the OSV blog (link you provided) and said that we as parents and grandparents have to open our eyes and ears about what’s going on in the culture today so that we can help our young girls by being an example to them, by intervening when necessary and praying for them – always. Sadly, young girls buy into false notions and sell themselves short. Our Church speaks highly of women in every walk of life. I have seen so many women brought to tears at my talks and events when they hear about their God-given dignity as a woman. We Catholic women need to pass that on to others who may be struggling to “find” themselves.
Let’s all pray an extra Hail Mary today for women and girls all over our world.
God bless and hugs!
Donna-Marie
Donna, Amen! That’s why I felt inspired to share this. It is such good food for the soul. I can see why women cry. Hearing the truth of our dignity can bring us to our knees, because it is a message that is not given nearly enough exposure. I am so thankful for how you have brought this front and center through your work, Donna.
I love your description of New Feminism. I’ve never heard of this before, but it sounds very Biblical. We can’t deny what we see from birth in our children–the innate differences between boys and girls. One only has to be a mother of multiple children to see that God has wired them differently!
Thanks for laying this out so well! You’ve got me thinking as usual!
And Roxane, thank you for your comment today on my blog. You are so wise and since you’ve already gone before me down this road to publication, I truly cherish your advice. Thank you.
I do not post comments often, however, this subject is tugging at me. I read the post early this morning and told myself to read it again later and then comment. What got to me is the word “choice” used so many times in the first comment. By no means am I attacking anyone here. My intentions are pure. I am speaking from my heart. I am probably the oldest of the commenters here. I earned a BS and MS in a totally male dominated field, geology, in the late 1970s. Competition was fierce, especially in the work force. I got married at 24 and with much embarrassment, I admit I fell into the freedom of “choice” by using birth control. I did work with several women and the majority of them scoffed at motherhood. When the time came for me to “choose” motherhood, guess what?? God chose a different path for me…….I have just one child, whom I have never met and that angel is waiting for me in heaven. I have no way to change what has happened in the past. What I can do though is have faith, trust in the Lord and spread the joys of what I can only imagine motherhood to be like. I no longer work in a male dominated field. You see God had a plan for me when I lost my job in 1986. I now work in health care. I serve Him and see Him everyday I go to work. I also work with many young women in their mid 20’s who are mothers of more that one child and are excited to be mothers. What a turn around from the 1980s. It is refreshing to see the joy in their faces when they tell me how their children are doing. In fact just today, one mother who was due Oct 9 called to tell me she had her daughter Oct 10. Another thanked me today for something I gave her which would indirectly help her special needs son. Through the help of Donna-Marie, I have come to understand that I may not be a physical mother here on earth, but I have become a spiritual mother to those around me. If that is the best way I can serve the Lord, I will do with my arms wide open. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Mary Catherine
Roxane (and everyone), I’d like to clarify that when I mentioned about the women being brought to tears, I was saying that they are feeling affirmed by what our Church tells them – not me. I am just the messenger. I passionately bring it to them, by God’s grace. But, my comment isn’t meant to bring attention to me – it’s all about our God-given dignity as women! I was also expressing the need to bring this message to all women and girls.
God bless!
Mary Catherine,
Your couageous comment is very heart touching. Thank you for sharing it. You are an amazing mother to so many. I’m sure your comment will help others too.I hope you don’t mind me saying that.
God bless!
Thank you very much, all, for the great comments. It’s obvious this subject is striking a chord, as well it should be. It’s time we women, spiritual mothers or physical mothers, not hide our nurturing capacities. We women are relational by nature. We are relational geniuses in my mind. That is one of our best traits and how we can help change the world for the better — through our beautiful, God-given powers of true femininity.
Donna Marie, of course you are the messenger, and a beautiful light to many!
Roxane, I read this yesterday, but the subject is so complicated and touchy for me right now that I’m almost reluctant to say anything.
I guess I’ll just say this: I agree with what you say about the importance of motherhood. I also applaud those who have found ways to nurture others that aren’t biological childbearing.
Like Lori, though, I want to honor the women who fought for more respect for our sex. I’ve spent almost a decade back in the church now. Only recently have I begun to realize the depth of the problem that men in some churches have with respecting women.
I don’t mean to single out the church, either. There are *plenty* of men outside churches who have the same subliminal disrespect going on.
I agree that we need to respect our womanliness in a way that some types of radical feminism do not, but I also think that some men need to come out of the nineteenth century.
Rosslyn, I respect your sensitivity here. Thanks for sharing despite that. I hope you don’t mind if I clarify what I said in my comment yesterday, lauding women in both their spiritual and physical motherhood. There is no exclusiveness in this matter — all are called to the table, because God has given all women the same female nature that shares a life-giving capacity, in the myriad forms that might take (it’s not always through the bearing and raising of children). Also as stated earlier, the New Feminism is in no way throwing out all of the good that the original feminism sought to bring to light — the empowerment of women. So, we’re in agreement there as well, I think. We can’t deny the good that has come from that movement. This is really a renewed look at that original movement, in my eyes, and one that empowers women in the way God truly intended them to be empowered; not to BE men, but to be females among men, with our dignity and capabilities intact. As for men in the church, the only thing I would change slightly is to say “men in society.” Men, whether in or out of the church, are affected by the society that surrounds them. The challenge, then, is that they are in the world, and as such, affected by it, sometimes even without an awareness of this. It has been so absorbed within them from their earliest years that they are often clueless how they are dishonoring women. It is up to us to bring it to their attention, then. Hopefully that clarifies some of the points you might see as obstacles. This is a beautiful vision and worth discussing, and yes, very complex and multi-layered, as you stated. Thanks for the chance to delve into it a little more, and again, for sharing your heartfelt thoughts. 🙂
Very Interesting.. I enjoyed reading everyones comments. I guess I will boil it down to how I felt..when I first looked into the eyes of my firstborn, I knew then and there that I could never hand her off to daycare, I wanted to be there for all her firsts, I did not want to miss a thing..if that is “new feminism” then I guess I must have achieved it back in the 1970’s:)
Lots of good stuff here, and very well written! I do think there’s one crucial point you are missing: Our culture has been through a century of FEMINism in which the variety of options available to women has increased drastically. However, there’s been no complementary movement to increase men’s options. There is still pervasive bias about some jobs being only for women–homemaker, childcare worker, kindergarten teacher, nurse, librarian, secretary–and while the number of men in these professions has increased slightly, there have been very few affirmative action programs for that purpose (because “We can’t have affirmative action for males–they’re the priveleged ones!”) and MANY people still think that a man aspiring to one of these careers must be weird somehow, a sissy, maybe even a child molester.
There are two very sad things about this. One is that men now have fewer options and narrower roles than women; that wasn’t right when it was the other way around, and it isn’t right now! The other is that our society is still undervaluing careers of caring for others; instead of “women’s work”, they’re now considered inferior careers that not even women should aspire to, and the result is that we have a shortage of caring. We’re supposed to buy stuff to make us feel cared for so that nobody has to do that icky work of loving real, messy human beings.
I’m a social psychologist, and I’ve read about some programs that encourage boys to work on traditionally female skills like interpersonal emotional intelligence, caring for babies, and quilting. They improve boys’ mental health and reduce violent crime. Yet they don’t get much attention or funding from macho politicians who aren’t willing to admit that traditionally female skills may have value for males as well.
I agree completely that good parenting and homemaking are very important, but I think it’s important not to see them as exclusive to women. The important female skills of giving birth and breastfeeding deserve much more respect, but in the bigger picture of what older children and families need, men can do all those things and would benefit from being “allowed” to do them more.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a family in which the mother is home all day doing childcare and housework while the father is out earning money–that’s a very effective arrangement that works well for many families! But I think it’s important to teach your boys just as much as your girls that childcare and housework are important, interesting things to do and that caring for others is good for you, too.
I have a four-year-old son who currently has dual career aspirations: to be a preschool teacher, and to drive a tractor. 🙂
Thanks again for the thought-provoking article!
Becca, I love this, and agree that men deserve to nurture this more gentle side of themselves as well. And I do think God has implanted a nurturing aspects into the hearts of men, absolutely. We need to find a balance on all of these issues. I found your thoughts to be very balanced and heartfelt, and I really appreciate your contribution to the conversation, and pointing out something that I had skipped over earlier. God is a nurturer, too, and we are ALL created in that likeness and being. Some men have more of that gift than others, and we are blessed because of it.