Mama Mondays
The other day, I had a vision. I was watching my youngest child trudging off toward the elementary school doors, heaving a big, old backpack and wearing a happy “it’s about time” grin. In my mind, I watched from the van as he followed his siblings, and I sensed that I was feeling pleased in this “dream,” even as a dollop of bittersweetness surged through me.
That day is not all that far away now. Next year at this time, God willing, it will come to pass. We all know how quickly a school year flashes by. Like lightning, really. There’s not much time. And even though I will send him off into the world with mixed feelings as almost all parents of kindergarteners do, I will do so with few, if any, regrets.
During my college years and before then, I never envisioned that I would be a stay-at-home mother, but that’s how the chips ended up falling. With the exception of my first half-year of motherhood and several part-time jobs at various points throughout the last thirteen years, I have stayed home with our children, though I’ve rarely gone without earning some kind of income, even if an inadequate one. Financially, being at home has come at a great price. Emotionally, too, at times when judgment from the outside has been cast. Some have erroneously assumed we chose this life because we were financially secure and had the luxury of doing so. For me, the decision was largely based on the emotional and spiritual needs of our family. I knew that as our family continued growing, I could not be there for them in those ways if I was busy channeling the bulk of my energy elsewhere.
Now is a time of looking back. Did we choose wrongly? Were all the naysayers right? Should we have opted for a different, more secure and certain course?
Certainly, we could have chosen differently. First off, we could have made a purposeful decision not to have as many children. That would have allowed me to head back into the work force years ago and ensured a more settled future. Or, I could have pursued a high-paying job so that we could afford daycare for a large family. But that kind of job would have taken me away from our family for more hours than I was willing to be away. I knew that for me, the emotional cost would have been much too steep.
In the end, we took each year as it came, tended to the things that seemed to be in most need of our attention, and moved along as well as we could. It has never been, nor will it ever be, a perfect life filled with flawless moves. I’m sure there are a hundred different things we could have done, but pondering all of those “what ifs” accomplishes very little.
Some might say I have wasted time at home, that we could have gotten further ahead and faster if I’d chosen differently. Some might feel I have squandered all those years in college, and that now, having spent the majority of the past thirteen years away from the work force, I’ve doomed my future career. But I have a different take on all of this.
When I look at the money I have earned in the past thirteen years, it is a fairly pitiful amount to be certain, and if I were to be judged by that alone, I would be labeled a complete failure. If the financial piece were the only piece of the puzzle, I would consider myself a gigantic loser. What I see, instead, is a mother who kept on working, little by little, both within and out of the hearth, and managed to reach several professional dreams while in the midst of wiping poopy bottoms, soothing owies and whipping up yet another batch of mac and cheese. During some of the most intense years of motherhood, I became a twice-published author and newspaper columnist. I wrote many freelance articles for both local and national publications. I became an award-winning freelance writer. One of my books, too, has garnered awards, and more recently, I delightedly entered the world of blogging, whereby I’ve been able to share even more of my life as a writer, mother and faith-seeker in ways I would not have imagined when this journey first began. Those are the tangible things that I see that tell me I have not squandered anything in the path I have chosen, even if it has rarely been easy.
As for the kids, it’s harder to tell the long-term effects, but judging from how I feel inside, I think this, too, has been the right choice. I can truly say I have no regrets. Yes, it’s been a tough road financially. Yes, the sacrifice has worn us down at times. Yes, we have, in moments, lost sight of the ultimate prize. But now that I’m this close to the end of the most tender years of motherhood, I can’t say that I feel any letdown in how things have been. We may never truly know whether my being close has impacted the children for the better. We don’t know how their lives would have been otherwise, after all, and whether they would have been less or more well-adjusted had I chosen different. At this point, there’s no turning back to choose otherwise, but my heart tells me that, yes, it was worth the sacrifice. It was worth all of the struggling moments. Even though I did not perfect my mothering through being nearby and more often, I gave it the best shot I had for what I knew at the time.
I share this not to make anyone who has not been able to follow the SAHM course, nor had the desire to do so, feel badly. I recognize that every mother’s path is unique, and I respect all of the variations. I’m sharing this mainly to encourage those who have made similar sacrifices as I have. It can feel uncertain most days, and the payoff might come all too slowly and may never be totally clear. All I know for sure is that it’s true what “they” (those a little older and wiser than I) say. These years of our lives hurry by. What will we have to show for it when all is said and done?
I know what I won’t have to show. I will not have the fanciest house in town. I won’t have a lake home, or a boat, or an annual cruise to the Bahamas. I won’t have a snazzy car, or a newly updated wardrobe every year, and our kids will be repeatedly denied many of the luxuries some of their peers enjoy. But I will have deep connections with my children. I know almost as much about my children as they do (some days, even more). I have worked hard to make sure they are developed in whole, not just in part. And though we are far from perfected, both as individuals and as a family, I truly believe my frequent presence in their lives has made a difference.
This year, I’m going to be dipping my toe into new possibilities. As the kids prepare to move out into the world one step more, little by little, I will be doing the same. Our entire family is exploring new horizons, and as our separations become more distinct, I find myself feeling even more grateful for the times I have spent nearby.
As a wise friend recently told me, “Life is all about relationships. It all comes down to that.” And indeed, it does. I feel so incredibly happy to have learned that now, during the years when I’ve had a chance to truly make a difference in the way that I have. My job as a mother is far from complete, but assessing it now from where I’m at, I am at peace with what I have offered my children, even if my paychecks haven’t reflected the truth of it.
What are some of the sacrifices you’ve made in your life that have been questioned at times, but that you now look back on without regret?
You’ve managed to pull off more successes in your writing career than most can even dream of! And they don’t even have kids! So, you should be proudly patting yourself on the back. And the invaluable time home with your babies is most definitely worth the sacrifices and choices you made. I HATE the assumption just because you stay home, that you can afford to. No one really can in the long run. Whether financially or career wise – both suffer. Here I am, only an official SAHM for a year – despite my efforts to be one 5 years ago, now I am totally feeling the money pinch. And I can’t even get a rejection letter from Target after I applied as a check-out person! Yet, no matter what – no matter how many times I see a negative balance in the bank account 4 days before pay day I will never regret this time. I have moments of panic however, that if something did happen and I had to go back to work full-time, I would be totally screwed. One can’t just drop out of advertising for a year and expect to go back. Not that I want to, but if I had to work, I would be in a lot of trouble. It’s a face-paced industry. But, for now, I like the industry of athomemommyland!
Lori, I truly believe that if we choose the right path for our families, we will be rewarded in the end. I wouldn’t worry about re-entering your profession in the way you knew it then. I might never work at a newspaper as a reporter again, but I am not sure I’d want to, to be honest, just as you’re uncertain about advertising as a career. You are bright and experienced and your motherhood can only make you more capable of handling some awesome job someday. First things first, and I truly believe everything else will fall into place and be better than you can even imagine. For now, stay focused on the children, who will thrive in ways you can’t even know now. The payoff will come — I really believe this. Oh, and thanks for all your nice words. I think writing might be in your future, too. Work on it little by little and you’ll be amazed.
Roxane,
Your paychecks are not the kind deposited in the bank. They are deposited in the hearts and souls of your beautiful children. How blessed they are to be “Peace Garden Children”. My glass of wine is lifted to you.
Mary Catherine
Thank you for this wonderful reflection. I have been praying on these very topics. God’s path is not the same for every mommy. I am on the SAHM path, and am starting to wonder if the stress of the financial aspect of it may be too much for me. Would I stress more about other things if I was working full time – I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that one or the other does not make me a bad mother.
God led you to the path needed for your family. I would rest easy that you did the right thing for your children. I pray for your family as you all enter into a period of transition and change.
I also cannot believe how you have become such a writing star with 5 little ones! Being at home with them turned you into the person who wrote the things you wrote. YOur words have touched many, including myself.
There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM, I was one for four years. It IS better for the kids, in the long run. Although, I think as hard, and rewarding, as being a SAHM is… there is someone who is usually forgotten… the bread winner. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, and let me tell you, it’s no picnic bringing home the bacon. It’s a LOT of stress. I think that a SAHM or SAHD should give their spouse the recognition they deserve for making it possible for the other to stay home.
Just thought I’d throw that in since I didn’t see anyone else had mentioned it.
Good luck to you.
Mary Catherine, I am toasting as well to you, for all of the nurturing you have done, and all of the deposits you, too, have made. đŸ™‚ And Holly, I think the thing to remember is that nothing has to be forever. If you end up working outside the home now, something could change in a few years that would lead you back home. You never know. Each situation is truly different and I do recognize that and am not stepping on anyone’s toes through this post. Motherhood, parenthood, has all sorts of demands, and each family must wrestle out the best course for them.
Anon, good point. It goes without saying, but all the better for having been said. Our roles are complementary. I think the SAHM has a greater emotional load, while the working father has a great financial load (in general, of course), and both can be tremendous loads. Raising and providing for children is never an easy path and neither role should be overlooked. Both are providing for the well-being of the children. It is a team effort and should be approached as such.
Thanks for sharing your journey, and very well put. For years and years, we’ve sacrificed, driven used vehicles, shopped at discount stores, etc. But we’ve made it a priority for me to stay at home too, and it’s worked. It hasn’t always been easy. We’ve gone without a lot of things, but in our American culture, that’s really not much of a sacrifice, is it? We still eat, have a roof over our heads, and have so much more than most people around the world. We’re truly blessed.
Oh my, I can’t really answer the question because I’m reeling from how much I needed to read this post tonight. Tonight has been tough. Trying to get it all done: dinner, homework, laundry, school volunteer work, freelance work. It was overwhelming. And one kid in particular resisted homework, resisted eating his dinner, and pretty decided he has the worst life ever and he’s miserable and wants to be in a better family. It has had me questioning everything I’ve been doing.
This post has made me hopeful that I might feel this way too on a different day. I’ll go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and maybe have a second chance.
Thanks so much–
Monica, hang in there! I’m so glad you stopped by. Regarding the scenario you just described, been there, and will be there again, I’m sure. But yes, for one day, I was able to see beyond, and when you can do that (and it doesn’t happen every day), it truly is grace in action, nudging you through another day. Soon, you’ll be in another, and another, and another…one day at a time. Make sure you take care of you in between tending to those children. You’ll be a better mama because of it. Peace!
Roxanne,
I too have spent most of the past 13 years at home with children, and with a bonus fifth baby on the way, envision many more years at home. It is hardly the best way to pay off student loans, but it is so much more rewarding. I work part time now to pay private school tuition for the kiddos (4 in private school…it is like buying a summer home and paying the mortgage, without the summer home!), but when baby arrives, I’m cutting back even more. And you know what? I can’t wait! It seems that the two days that I work outside the home are the days the kids have field trips or events, or a friend wants to have coffee, or my book group meets, or my husband could really use some help at church.
I really do think that home and family is enough of a career. I am satisfied, even fulfilled “just” being a wife and mother. I wish that I could collect a tangible paycheck for it, but that is not how things work out. I do, however, get some great paychecks. My second grade son came home a few days ago with a drawing of his family. It said “I love my family. I especially love my mom.” and my kindergarten son came home with a letter he “wrote” me in his letter writing center. It said, “to Mom, heart. Love, Ethan”. Those paychecks mean more to me than money in the bank!