Faith Fridays
Those who’ve been frequenting this blog a while know how much I love books, how I see edifying books as life-giving, and how, when I discover a well-turned phrase, I can’t help but feel compelled to pass it on. But from time to time the opposite happens. I might scour the library or book-store shelves and pull out something that appears to be a good match for my tastes only to find the opposite is true.
I’ve read at least one other book by the oft-quoted, bestselling author Anne Lamott. Bird by Bird was an enjoyable read about the writing process. Her words in that piece resonated with me, and I assumed erroneously that anything else written by her would have a similar effect. Toward the beginning of Grace (Eventually), I was with her, enjoying her insights. I even quoted her in my last post. However, everything changed last night as I curled up in my favorite reading chair to continue on and began to detect something unnerving lurking between the eloquently fashioned phrases.
The chapter where my admiring attention began to fall away is called, “At Death’s Window.” It starts: “The man I killed did not want to die, but he no longer felt he had much of a choice. He had gone from being tall and strapping, full of appetites and a brilliant manner of speech, to a skeleton, weak and full of messy needs.” Lamott goes on to describe her offer to help her friend, Mel, who was filled with cancer, choose the day of his death; in other words, to assist him in dying whenever he deemed the time right. She goes on to describe the evening she came to his home to help him snuff out his life, how she and his wife and a friend gathered for some food and drink, how Mel was “absolutely clear as a bell, brilliant as ever” as they swapped stories in the living room, and then, how this friend who was slated to die departed into his bedroom to change into something comfortable – his death attire, if you will. Meanwhile, she slipped into the kitchen to crush the pills that would poison him to death. She described her philosophy about all this very simply: “I believe that life is a kind of Earth School…so if you’re going to be leaving anyway, who says it isn’t okay to take an incomplete in the course? In other words, what is the wrong in checking out early?”
Lamott is a Christian, and this book is supposedly a spiritual memoir of sorts. It’s interesting to note her mention of several atheist friends who, when they learned what was to go down, did not agree with her intent to interfere with the natural course of life, including hour of death. But this did not deter Lamott. She would gladly do the deed out of her great love for her friend.
The chapter ends with Lamott describing how Mel, after choking down the poison (he winced like a child taking medicine, she said) eventually just faded off, “smiled and fell asleep.” After which point those who remained “got up to stretch, to get wine or water, to change CDs. Mel breathed so quietly, for so long, that when he finally stopped, we all strained to hear the sound.”
Here is where the chapter ends, and where I began to feel sick, not to mention deceived. Lamott makes it sound so lovely, so peaceful, so innocently executed and carried out. I wasn’t completely deterred, though. I read onward a while, convinced that if I took in just a little more, perhaps I would come to better understand her mindset. But I kept coming back to the twisted feeling inside of me, and her words that Mel’s life had become too “messy,” too fraught with need. So I surrendered by quietly closing the book and going to bed, unsettled and sad.
Now, I’m sure that if I were to meet Lamott at a writer’s conference somewhere, I would find her delightful as a person. She does get some things right. But, like the rest of us, she’s human, which means imperfect, like the rest of us – like me. However, I find her casual depiction of assisted death very troubling, and there’s more where that came from in the following chapter. This articulate, well-read writer views the taking of life as one might view taking the next step in a day full of steps – one no more important than the next. Even the atheists, the non-believers, could see the error in her thinking. It’s not only a matter of faith to me (though my faith life comes into play as I consider such things), but it’s also a matter of being in sync with natural law. God has imprinted truth into our very beings by virtue of God’s nature and our nature. Whether or not we agree on the source, truth has been woven into our souls. Sometimes we are better in tune to this than at other times, and undoubtedly, we are influenced by our experiences. But once you begin to justify one wrong act, it’s so easy to justify another, and another and on and on. Think the Holocaust, decades of slavery, and so many wars. One wrong judgment reaches outward and before you know it, thousands of people who had a right to live, dead.
I know that my job is not to judge Lamott. I will leave that to God. But at the very least, I can do something about the feeling that is eating away at me because of this book – the icky feeling of poison similar to that which was in the pill she helped feed to her friend to send him on his merry way. I can take the book and close it gently. I can offer up a prayer for her and all those who truly believe that this is the way to go – that we deserve to decide whether life is valuable and who gets to determine that and at what point we should leave the earth and how.
Perhaps the reason this chapter and at least one that followed rubbed me the wrong way is that I am an eternal believer in hope. I believe that every moment of suffering we experience on earth can become an opportunity to draw closer to our Creator. In choosing whether we suffer, the extent of our suffering and when our lives or others’ lives should end, we miss opportunities to put on the mind of God, to come into closer communion with God, to find that peace that we all want, even in (and, in fact, because of) suffering. I truly believe that if Lamott would have been a true friend to Mel, instead of helping him die, she would have been by his side while he lived, even if it was uncomfortable for her and for him.
There is no tidy ending to this post, except to say that the world is full of wonderful words and ideas, and at the same time, sprinkled with a good many that drain life as well, and we must choose cautiously what we take into ourselves, and what we offer back out. I am committed to offering up life-giving words, to perpetuate a feeling of hope, to stand firmly by life, even when that life is messy and/or inconvenient.
Far Side of Fifty says
Uffda, There is much to think about..you are an optimist..I used to be.
The Author seems a bit callous about death, sad.
I believe every life is important, and God is best left in charge of our arrivals and departures:)
Gwen Stewart--Singer-Scribe says
What an excellent post, Roxane.
I loved Bird by Bird, but I know that Ms. Lamott’s faith life does not exactly match my own. I know her to be a Christian and, like you, don’t want to sit as judge, jury and court–that is considerably out of my league. But I also know that there are many excellent books on Christianity available. I don’t need to read those that tread a line between Biblical tenets and the tenets of worldly ‘wisdom’ and philosophy.
Thanks for this thoughtful post. Have a wonderful weekend!
Jody Hedlund says
Oh, wow. What a chapter to get your skin crawling! I’m on the same page as you. I want to infuse hope and life into a world where there is often too little.
FranticMommy says
Well written, and well said Roxane. Good job.
Anonymous says
“Even the atheists, the non-believers, could see the error in her thinking.” – This is an incredibly judgemental sentence. The implication left unsaid….unwritten but hanging in the air.
Marketing Mama says
Hi Roxane,
Having just wrote about a death experience on my blog yesterday, I was particularly interested in reading that quote — and to see some similarities between my grandmother’s death experience and this man’s. Being surrounded by people that loved them, sense of peace in the room, quietly slipping away…
I’m also writing this from a guest room in a hospice house – where people go to die. And there is a lot of beauty here amongst the sadness.
Although I personally am opposed to ending a life by choice, I can also understand the human craving to end suffering. And depending on people’s relationship with, or not with, God, I can see why some would make that choice. (even though it’s, um, illegal!)
I imagine this was an important experience to her, and as a writer, she felt the need to document it. That’s how I felt yesterday, compelled to write about how my Grandmother died.
Because I’m so close to death right now (well, not me, but everyone around me) this didn’t strike me as hard as it struck you. That said, if you come across anything on abortions, please don’t quote it here – because that would surely make me sick and I probably wouldn’t come back!
Missy
Mary DTP says
Roxane,
I was once a huge Anne Lamott fan. I gobbled up everything she wrote — fiction and non-fiction. But then she started getting more extreme (at least in my view) and inserting all kinds of things that I couldn’t reconcile with Christian faith. I really believe that if she were a Catholic, upholding Catholic views on life from conception to natural death, she would not have had any chance to become the bestselling author that she is. The literary and secular world accept her because her view of Christianity and of Jesus allows things — like euthanasia and abortion — that fit a certain agenda. Sorry to ramble on about this, but I’ve known the same disappoint you felt so it really struck a chord.
Mary
Roxane B. Salonen says
Hello again…I try to stay away from controversial subjects on Peace Garden Mama, but I occasionally diverge, as I did with this one. Sometimes, playing it safe isn’t enough, so I am okay with even the more opposing comments here. But Anon (I do wish you’d show your face, as I have shown mine — seems an uneven playing field), I need to clarify. My point is that so often, people assume that a certain belief stems from a faith perspective. I was simply saying that whether you believe in God or not, you can come to the same conclusion about the error in life-taking, as many non-believers have. I don’t know what implication is “unwritten but hanging in the air.” I think I was fairly blunt about how I feel. As for being judgmental, humans tend to be. We sort and discern. That is a natural inclination and important for our survival. Judging is one thing. Judging with condemnation is another. I feel no hatred toward Anne Lamott. God loves her every bit as much as He loves me, of that I am certain. We are all God’s children, after all. That’s not to say He isn’t disappointed when we sin, just as we parents are saddened when our children choose wrongly. We are sad because we know that inevitably, wrong thinking and actions will end up hurting them, and possibly a good many others.
Missy, thanks for sharing what you did. I read your post last night and am thinking of you. I know what a sad time it is when someone you love is nearing the end of their earthly life. It is intense, and important we have a place to put those thoughts. I agree with you — what human doesn’t have a desire to end suffering? That, too, is built into our natures. Even Jesus, toward his life’s end, ask that this cup be taken from Him. But it wasn’t, and he accepted that and was brought swiftly to his father upon death for having endured what he did. I’ve experienced gathering around someone I love in her dying hours, and I am so thankful for that experience of saying goodbye. I can understand Lamott’s desire to help end her friend’s suffering. I can’t celebrate how she went about it. What struck me is how natural she made it sound, as if it was just an ordinary, natural thing to kill someone. It was eerie, and I’m sure it came across more powerfully sitting in my chair, unsuspecting as I was, than what I was able to convey here. At any rate, I do get what you’re saying here, but I stand by my thoughts, too. Just know that you are in my prayers. And again, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
And thanks to those of you who saw into my heart and head on this matter and were bold enough to say so. It’s hard to stand up for what is right, to risk that someone is inevitably going to call you judgmental. But I would rather speak out on occasion than live with silent sadness that these things go on and are perceived by some as inconsequential.
Longest response to comments I think I’ve ever written! Peace to all…
Karen Mahoney says
Thanks for writing this–you echo my feelings completely
Donna-Marie Cooper O'Boyle says
Thanks for this post, Roxane,
I find her words repulsing and disgusting! I’m being blunt, I know. After reading your description of her words, I feel sickened too.
God brings us into this world and He brings us out.
God bless,
Donna
Marie says
Yikes. . .what a heavy topic. Having witnessed a long, very painful death, I honestly don’t know what to think right now. I’m saddened at the thought of euthanasia, but I do believe that if we can comfort those who are slated to die, keeping them comfortable is another topic. However, I suppose it depends on the person. In our case, when the “death sentence” was explained by the doctor in ICU, our loved one requested to die peacefully and with medication. We did not kill her, it wasn’t euthanaisa, we just made her more comfortable while she took her last breaths. I have much to ponder.
Roxane B. Salonen says
Marie, you’re right. Keeping someone who is dying comfortable….totally okay, in fact, humane. Hastening someone’s death…totally NOT okay and inhumane. You and your family did nothing wrong. Your conscience can be cleared. I’ll send you an email with more. Be well, friend!
Anonymous says
Lamott, not LaMott.
As with many other writers, she has her own experiences and her own filters. She doesn’t ask you to agree with her. Good for you that the internal argument kicked in.
But to those who would trash ALL her work because they disagree with one essay, you’re missing out on God’s good creation. Get over yourself.
Roxane B. Salonen says
Anonymous, I stand corrected on the misspelling. Thanks. Having a friend with the last name LaMont doesn’t help, but it’s good to get it right — as I did in most references. Hmmmm, I don’t believe I trashed all her work. I enjoyed Bird by Bird and said as much. That said, there are so many wonderful writers out there whose words resonate with how I feel internally, and too little time in life, that I do think I will bypass any more of her titles. There is so much talent out there, much of it undiscovered, but much of it published. I will treasure what I gained from Bird by Bird and I’m at peace with letting it go from here. It felt important to bring up something that brought up such an ishy feeling. We can’t always just glide past such things and not react, just as you have reacted to what you feel isn’t quite right in my words. Regardless, I’m always pleased to have readers stop by and I wish you well.
Monica says
Roxane, this was an interesting, thoughful read — thank you. I have never been an Ann Lamott fan. I know she is a good writer, but I find her style and most of her subjects to be incredible self-centered and somehow manipulative. All I can say is that when I’ve read her, I’ve felt somehow like I am supposed to be impressed…which renders me…unimpressed.
I so agree with you that “she would have been by his side while he lived, even if it was uncomfortable for her and for him.” I think that there is a certain kind of faith and knowledge, that cannot be described or expressed in words, that comes from simply being present to suffering. She missed that opportunity to truly deepen her faith and understanding of God.
Good for you for stirring up a little controversy. Good for you for writing about something that disturbed you. More of us should do the same.
Monica says
Oh, and that photo at the top of the post is just fabulous! That expression is priceless!
Marketing Mama says
Coming back to check comments. I suspect that the author herself will read this thread – as many people track mentions of their name on the internet… Not that you would do anything differently, but our mutual friend over at MotherLoad recently had that experience and it blew her away. 🙂
Sibyl says
The scandal and shame of this is that Lamott claims to be a Christian, a follower of God, Father, Son, Holy Spirit. However, she must not realize the Scripture is completely congruent, ONE in substance, meaning and intent with the God, the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Scripture is the Living Word written, breathed by God. If we violate the Scripture, we have violated the Trinity. God is the Author of Life and has dominion over human life from conception to natural death. We pray, THY will be done.
I would not be surprised to learn that Lamott is a supporter of abortion, the killing of human life in the womb as well.
Sibyl says
PS – I read the comment above that mentioned the Cross and remembered that our Model of Suffering, Jesus, refused the soporific draught offered Him and endured the full extent of the torture and remain fully conscious. In doing so, He was able to extend grace upon grace to us as He spoke the iconic Words that avail for us as we pray with Him on our own crosses of suffering. What a gift the companionship of His suffering is for us in this life.
Roxane B. Salonen says
Sibyl, thanks for stopping by and adding to the discussion. Thanks also for the terminology — soporific draught. I was explaining this to a friend on Friday but didn’t have the correct name for it. I knew the concept though — that Jesus had refused to let his suffering be softened during his torturous crucifixion. Also, you are right. The next chapter after the one on euthanasia details Anne’s embrace of the choice to abort. I didn’t want to “go there” for the sake of staying on task but you read between the lines well. She needs our prayers, just as we need the prayers of each other as fellow sinners. Blessings and have a nice week ahead!
Sibyl says
Apologies for my rather angry harsh comment (just read Jennifer Fulwiler’s latest post). I pray that Anne Lamott will come to respect God’s gift of human life because it bears His image and because of His Holy Word and Law.
I do get angry (not excusing, just explaining) when people (clergy or laity)mis-represent or repress the truth and mis-use Jesus’ Holy Name. That is like taking down all the signs and traffic lights on the roads and streets and highways.
I owe my life to Christians who lived and spoke the truth because of their love for Jesus and me, who cared enough to intervene at crucial times in my childhood, who shined His true light on my path, not a political agenda-polluted lie, and I will be forever grateful.
Roxane B. Salonen says
Sibyl, I just read Jennifer’s post too — wow. What a great reminder to us all. I have really tried to keep Peace Garden Mama “peaceable,” one of the qualities Jennifer described as coming consistently from Godly people. And it’s interesting to note that one of the times I strayed from this, I got more comments than usual (of course, some of them were mine in response to others). I do think sometimes, though, we need to rise up in defense of our faith. There is no harm in that. I suppose what matters is how we do it, right? And that is a challenge to all of us. We have a right to feel angry and unsettled by things that are plain wrong, and we have a right to share our thoughts when the situation calls for it. But always, it’s good to be mindful of our approach and trying to present it in a graceful manner. We are all seekers and all lifelong learners on this journey! Thanks again for stopping by.