Writing Wednesdays
“So, I’ve been wondering about something,” a friend asked the other day. “How do you discern what you put into your blog and what you leave out? I mean, do you ever feel like you’re being deceptive about what your life is really like?”
Surprisingly, perhaps, I welcomed the question. It’s something I’ve wanted to write about for a while now, and being put to the task forced me to formulate my thoughts.
One of the things I enjoy about blogging is that I can create something tidy from a situation that is far from it. It’s true — my days are more often than not filled with chaos in some form or another, but I nearly always feel invigorated by the challenge of pulling out something beautiful or meaningful from whatever the day has brought forth. I think the fact that my life is a bit messy lends itself well to the writing life. Part of the beauty of it all is that I can pick and choose which of the pieces to include and which to leave out.
But the question remains: does this approach lead to insincerity?
I would argue that it does not, and here’s why. Anyone close to me knows just how untidy my life as a mother of five can be. They also know that I’m not inclined toward high organization in some areas – like domestic duties – but that I’m very inclined to it in other areas – like organizing my thoughts on paper. They know how unruly my kids can be at times, particularly when they’re tired or out of routine or stressed, and that I don’t always have a perfect response to that unruliness. But those closest to me also know how hard I’ve worked to make it all work. They know my heart – what makes me sad, what makes me happy. And they accept me, even with all of my imperfections.
Of course, most of my readers don’t know as many of the nitty-gritty details of my real life, but I’ve always taken for granted that most probably assume I’m not Perfect Patty. Most readers know that I don’t report on every ugly little happening that occurs in the Salonen household, and, I also assume that most readers wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.
I decided early on that I wanted my blog to be uplifting to other parents, other writers, other faith-seekers. That doesn’t mean I’m not being true or honest when I don’t report on the less cheery aspects of my life. Though this blog might be an online journal of sorts, I do write with a readership in mind. And I suspect that the majority of that readership is not visiting my blog to hear about every negative tidbit that has come my way, but to receive some insight, a renewed perspective, or just something to make them smile. If, in skipping over some of the less tidy aspects of my life here, I am somehow giving the impression I have a spot-free life, then let me state my disclaimer outright: I am far from perfect, and my life is far from it as well. My intent is not to deceive but to bring whatever splashes of beauty and hope I can to others.
I have to admit, too, that when I write about the good things that have happened throughout the day, I give myself a little lift, too. I offer myself the same bit of hope that I am trying to bring others. And when I do bring up some of the more trying aspects of life, it’s almost always only if I know there’s a speck of positivity to be gained from doing so.
I love having the chance to touch others through my writing, singing and other ways I reach out. But if you’re looking for Flawless Franny, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re looking for Real Roxane who’s reaching for the positive amidst the mess, you’ve come to the right place.
So, thanks to my friend, who gave me the chance to think about how I would write the caveat I’ve always felt should be stated out loud. Peace Garden Mama is my vision, not my reality, and I love recognizing and taking time to cherish the blossoms of life, big and small, whenever they open themselves to me.
If you’re a blogger, how do you discern what stays and what goes?
I grew up, obviously, before blogging, but my exploits were well documented in my parents’ editorial columns of their weekly newspaper. I can tell you as a child — and more so as a teen and young adult — there are just some things you don’t want the world knowing. I try to be mindful of that and not write about things that would make my children feel silly or stupid just because I feel the need to write something. I want to show my kids and my husband a certain level of respect. I think if I write honestly with that in mind, the truth of my life will show without going into sordid detail.
There is truth to that your private life is private. Sometimes things we share seem odd to others, because to them it’s more of a private manner. Sometimes we should be more vulnerable and share because it would help us get feedback on areas of struggle in our lives.
But, it does take a great amount of discernment to know whether or not to share…if people feel awkward reading what we’ve written than we’ve offended them and should rectify that – but, this is such a minor offense compared to many that it would likely not even be brought up.
I think we need to be careful as writers not to add too much sentimentality too, because it can make others feel inadequate, not realizing that it’s a technique in writing. It’s easy to overdo things from a creative standpoint, but not pleasant for the reader to experience. Just let the truth be truth, and when you’re sharing about others, that they’re a part of the birth of that story…
Excellent post, Roxane! I love the way that you’ve summarized the struggle we all face in blogging. We want to be real, but we can present the face to our readership that we desire for them to see. By the things we say or leave out, we give a picture of ourselves that may or may not be accurate. But isn’t that true in real life too? We can put on a face around people and at least for a while make them believe we’re someone that perhaps we really aren’t? It all boils down to being confident in who we are in all our imperfections and being able to be real about both joys and tragedies.
And you sound like the kind of woman I would really be friends with in real life. I value genuineness in friendships and appreciate when people accept me for who I am too!
These are great comments. Thanks ML, Jennifer and Jody! I think a good self-analysis is healthy every once in a while. Appreciate your contributions and insight.
Life is messy.
I tend to not read blogs/articles/books where the writers tone is overtly negative regarding their messy existence.
I do however enjoy an over all positive tone….not everything is coming up roses…but still positive….still learning and loving and searching and moving forward.
I don’t know where you stand on Hemmingway… but I mean the guy wrote what he knew. About drinking, failed relationships, hunting, fishing, bull fighting, war, loss, depression. If you read any of the memoirs, or papers he left behind….talk about art reflecting on life. And he captivates his reader…it’s not just the mind blowing crafting…it’s the humanity of it.
Roxane….write from the gut…share what you want.
I have always written my blog with truth and laughter. Not enough people allow us to see the real us. And I find that if I just let it out and write the truths more people then none seem to say Hey that is how i felt but many times would never put it in writing..Blogging should be truths and fun wrapped around real life experience…god bless….
Unfortunately, because I am new to blogging, I have yet to figure out what to leave out, so the blogs tend to be longer than perhaps they could/should be.
From what I have seen, much depends on the blogger (re deception). I think blogging also allows people to be very honest about things that they might not want to say straight out to their real-life friends and family.
I lie like a rug.
But, I always have. It may be an Irish thing — my Irish-descended friends and relatives have a tendency to be great story tellers particularly because they pull out what they want and leave on the cutting room floor what they don’t in order to make a story more of a story.
Now, in theory this means you pursue the true at the expense of the accurate?
In practice, it means you produce a lot of blarney.
Personally, I tend to have a very negative blog because I feel like I’m showing off if I talk about good things in our life (haven’t mastered your class and perspective on taking pictures of the beautiful flowers without seeming to be claiming to take credit for them!).
Thanks for the post, it’s an interesting subject.
Hey “two ways,” thought I’d pop in here with a response. Regarding the flowers thing, I can take credit for most of the photos, but the flowers themselves, that’s God’s doing (in cooperation with the gardeners who brought them forth of course). I certainly don’t credit myself for the artwork of someone else, rather, hope to highlight beauty produced by someone else. Even when I highlight my own children’s lives in various ways (through a funny quote, for instance), it’s not to extol my lovelies so much as to highlight the beauty I see all around me so others might be encouraged by it. As a writer, I try to produce writing that does the same. Once in a while, I hope I succeed in that. Thanks so much for stopping by. You’ve given me some insight on my father’s amazing story-telling abilities. He’s predominantly Irish. So there you go! I lack his gift at weaving a vivacious tale and am envious of it. I guess the Irish was watered down by the time I came into the world. 🙂 It’s still there though, just enough of it to have created another writer. Blessings!
I love what you have written here 🙂
Excellent words…. Oft times, I’m concerned that I’m participating in “mommy porn” when I blog… that the stories give an unrealistic “air brushed” portrayal of motherhood and faith… But for exactly the reasons you succinctly outline here… I keep blogging.
Thank you, wise friend…
All’s grace,
Ann
Great thoughts… I try to be real on my blog while still remaining positive. You’re so right, it’s a delicate balance….
Jamie
That’s wonderfully stated. Thoughts I’ve never really given much time to, but wondered about all the same, and now I think I blog for many of the same reasons you do. I want to encourage. Inspire. Humor. I want to gain friendships. I want to ask for help. I want to write something at the end of a long day (week, month…) that will uplift ME as well as any readers who may stumble past. Thanks for your thoughts.
I have myself been accused of having an overly optimistic view of things.. but.. I truly do believe in Romans 8:28 – God will turn around even the wrost things for good in His Kingdom, for His glory.
I write of trials as well as triumphs, but I tr yto maintain an spirit of encouragement through out.
This was a wonderful response, thanks in large part to Jen@Conversion Diary, who encouraged defining posts from the outside today. I’m glad so many of my fellow bloggers found something here that resonated with you. I’m hoping for a followup post soon: how to discern blog content. Thanks to all who took time to stop by!
I try to balance the positive and the negative. My life is full of love and laughter, struggles and frustrations, joys and wonders. So I try to making my blog entries a “representative sample” of my real life. Like you, I look for the positive when I share a difficult experience–usually the lesson I learned.
Sometimes, I get this urgent feeling that I NEED to post something right away, and often a friend or family member will say, “I really needed to hear that today.” I love when that happens. Most days, though, no one says anything at all.
They also know that I’m not inclined toward high organization in some areas – like domestic duties – but that I’m very inclined to it in other areas – like organizing my thoughts on paper.
I like that. ‘Cause I’m that way, too!