Mama Mondays
Even before we’d heard it officially coined as such, my husband and I decided that with a family as large as ours, a family meeting would be a very good idea. It’s likely the thought popped up because things on the homefront had gotten a little a lot out of control, and we knew that some sort of coming-together event would be needed to restore (or, rather, institute) order.
So, over the years, we’ve tried it. Oh, our intentions were so very good, but we lacked consistency and follow through. You can’t have one family meeting a year and expect things to run smoothly, I suppose. Problem is, we’d have one, and it would feel like the right thing to do at the time, but then something would interfere with the plan and we’d let it slip…and slip…and find ourselves desperate again for order.
You have to keep in mind, both my husband and I have an organization gene when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, but not all aspects. I, for example, am horrible about sticking to things like, well, sticker charts and the like. It always sounds like a brilliant idea initially, but I get distracted easily, and go with the flow too readily, and before I know it, I’m somewhere else entirely and the sticker chart is stuck between the wall and the fridge and has dust mites swarming it.
Well, in recent months I’ve attended two parenting sessions, and both have purported that the family meeting is one of the most helpful tools in encouraging better behavior within the household, and fostering harmonious family dynamics. So, having taken this all in, I’m ready to give it a try. As the most recent presenter, a parent coach, said, those of us who work outside the home are aware of how essential the staff meeting is in keeping a company running smoothly. Why, then, do we not give the same chance of success to our own families through getting the players together and making a plan?
And of course she’s right. And it shouldn’t take place during dinnertime. The family meeting serves a slightly different function than dinner conversation. It should be separated.
Well, I took up the suggestion of this parenting coach and last night, we had our “revised edition, first attempt” of what I hope to be the first of many family meetings. I wrote out invitations to all family members, telling them the time to arrive and location. Snacks were promised (it works every time) and a “talking stick” chosen. The one rule this first meeting was that unless you were holding the talking stick, you could not talk. As advised, we kept this first meeting light. We simply took turns telling why we love being a part of this family. Easy, right?
Not so much. It’s a pretty sad statement that most of the participants were not all that willing. Keep in mind their ages: 4, 6, 9, 11 and 13. Who wants to admit they love their family at those ages? The 6-year-old was sincere and sweet, the 4-year-old didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t understand what was going on and was more interested in the meat and cheese platter, the 13-year-old gave some kind of sarcastic response, the 11-year-old strained to come up with something then said the first thing that came out (not too deep, let me tell you), and the 9-year-old hemmed and hawed…and hawed and hemmed, then finally said what she thought we’d want to hear, I think.
Alright people, I get the message. We need a little help, a little encouragement here. And while I know it seems like a doomed scenario, I refuse to give up this time…not yet. We’re still newly into this, and I’m determined that as long as I keep providing snacks, the kids will keep showing up, and eventually they’ll get the concept and, perhaps, even have something nice to say and contribute. The key is to keep at it, because it’s their job as kids to complain and question and think it’s all very ridiculous. But just wait. I am going to keep reporting on this endeavor, and I am determined that in six months’ time, we are going to be seeing some improvements in our family dynamics.
It has to be. The parenting coach said so, and I’m choosing to believe her.
Popcorn anyone?
Who else out there has tried the family meeting? If you’re inclined, please divulge what worked, what didn’t, and what you think of the whole concept in general. I’ll be taking notes!
We tried. We failed. We didn’t try again.
But you’ve inspired me to think about giving this another shot. It’s not easy. I’ll be waiting to hear how you’re making it work. 🙂
I haven’t tried it, but it seems like a fabulous idea! At school, the “class meeting” is a huge success for most teachers. Students feel happier, safer, and better connected with their peers and their teacher when a brief daily meeting is held (fifteen minutes or so). Teachers feel that fifteen minutes is time that improves learning, not takes away from it (and we know that children who are miserable at school learn NOTHING).
The family meeting seems like a great idea too, especially with larger families. Keep us posted, Roxane..I’d love to hear your success! 🙂
Wonderful – keep it up! I remember having occasional family meetings growing up – it usually meant something big was coming, like moving or divorce or new chore structure. I love the idea of regularly held meetings.
I’ve called a few impromptu family meetings with my husband and toddler, but I can’t for the life of me recall why. And when I say impromptu, I mean I just shout out “Family meeting.” I think that’s how it was growing up, too. No food, no invites. Although that idea sounds nice.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. I know this is an over-used cliche of sorts, but sometimes it rings true. I think it’s a great idea! When Murray is old enough, I believe we will attempt family meetings as well. For now, though, we stick to “parenting meetings”, which entail DH and I discussing possible ways to handle situations that arise with little one. As of late, these “meetings” are frequent and mostly focus on temper tantrums! Good luck – I have a feeling that in time Salonen Family Meetings will become a much-loved tradition!
My take is a little different — mostly, for me, the family meeting idea is too formal( though there are times that everyone needs to hear the same thing at the same time.) My style is more to share the same kinds of thoughts and ideas that might be expressed at a family meeting, but in a more spontaneous way. I think regularly scheduled one-on-one time with each child works really well for keeping communication open and flowing, too, though I know that’s a much bigger challenge with five kids than with three!
Oh how great the many “parenting” seminars and classes are we go to. They motivate us and lead us to think we’ll be the perfect mothers molding perfect children. Then we get home and might do what was taught for a week or two, but because mothers are people too, we forget to put the sticker on Sally’s chart etc, etc. May we remember the struggles, joys, jobs, kids fighting, kids wanting, schedules changing many times in a day, super made some days not the others, family stopping in, health, bills, homework, clean house, quite house, dirty house- etc. this is life- live it and be blessed. The most simple book on parenting I ever read was the “one Minute Mother” by Spencer Johnson, also author of the wonderful children book series Value Tales. Our weekly meeting revolve around “we goals” and I goals. If your child is old enough have them write their own goals that can be read in a minute (never a problem for my kiddo’s). 1st goal is something they want for themselves such as a sleep over so they write They want Joe to sleep over on friday and then list things they will do to have this happen and they also write the benefit. Second goal is a school goal such as spelling test, reading etc. and Third we know our kids are humman so they write down something they would like to have. Goal: A new WII Game. To DO: Find out cost. Mow lawn and ask mom for list of chores other then “because we’re family” chores. Benefit: Enjoy playing game and beating my mom when she TRYS to play. Through the week if I need to send my kids to their room I remind them to take a look at their goals they wrote. If they do go and actually read it, I know they know that their behavior that got them sent to their room was not getting them any closer to their goal. Our “We Goal” might be working on setting things out the night before. We also include a “Good Deed of the Week” like holding doors open for others (especially elders). Another idea we picked up ( I don’t think from book) is the topic jar. If kids want to bring something up at the meeting they toss it in the jar anytime that week. Now for the honest part- are house has taken the summer off with the “meeting” and wow can I tell. It may be my fault as we had our meeting inbetween dinner and dessert…. Sunday would be the only “dessert” night at our house! The book is a quick read and simple. One Minute Goal setting, One Minute Praising and One minute reprimands. No CHARTS Roxanne!
Hey All, loved hearing about your experiences (or non-experiences) regarding the family meeting. Thanks so much for your insight. I do think there are different motivations for having something like this, and that each family will, in the end, find their unique way of doing it (or not). I like the thought of it being a way to foster better communication among all the family members, giving family members a greater sense of belonging, etc., and especially as my little ones turn into teens (as a couple already have, for the most part), it’s seems even more vital that we keep going with it. I look forward to seeing how it progresses from here!
Anonymous, just got your note after I responded to the others, but not to worry. I agree. Sticker charts and me don’t mix. The goal-setting concept is a wonderful one. I would like to incorporate this into our family meetings. Thanks much for the super idea!
Sometimes with our Sunday School classes we have the kids come up with questions on a topic and then draw them and have the kids answer. Could you do that to encourage your kids to be more involved and interactive? Just a thought. My kid isn’t a talker yet!
Liz, great suggestion. The parenting coach I heard speak suggested allowing the kids to help make the house rules, then parents could add their own thoughts, but she said that if they contributed, they would be more likely to comply, having felt empowered to help decide. Sounds similar to what you are proposing here. As for Little Goat not talking yet, oh, you don’t realize how lucky you are. 🙂 Someday soon, you’ll wonder why you ever wished he would begin saying words. Then again, the words out of the mouth of babes are some of the very best. I can’t wait to hear some of them! 🙂