My little guy, 3, has been such a trooper in the last couple days as I’ve been bed-ridden for the most part due to flu. Yesterday, he stayed near almost the whole day, though I tried my best to inch away from him so as not to expose him to what I have. But, in such times, a mother has to surrender, and I wasn’t about to insist he leave my side altogether. And I loved listening to him singing. He’ll occasionally break out into song or hum a tune or two, and he did so frequently yesterday. It was sweet music to my foggy, tired-out brain and heart. For breakfast, he had a banana, and I forced myself out of bed for lunch to make pbj sandwiches for the two of us. Yesterday I was still in denial, though, thinking it was just a horrible cold, and kept an evening appointment. I hope no one with whom I was in contact got it. Today I’ve been in bed the whole day and am eternally grateful for my husband and friends who took care of bringing the kids to and from school. I’m just now feeling that perhaps I’ll be better by tomorrow.
When you’re a mother, it’s hard to be kept down. My day today would have comprised: bringing our kids to school, spending some valuable time at the Y, having lunch with a friend, and helping prepare music for tonight’s vigil. Yes, I was to be singing tonight for that sweet girl who has left our lives. Though I know it would have been difficult, I was up to the task. I wanted to be there for the family because I know that right now, they are being carried only by grace and through the love of others. Wouldn’t I need the same if it were my daughter? So, the flu is the least of my worries, but it’s made me doubly frustrated to have to clear my schedule today. It’s possible I’ll be there for the funeral tomorrow, however. I will rest more and hope. Her picture was on the front of the paper today. There’s nothing fair about what happened; nothing at all. No one would want this to be the way their child became known to the whole community.
The only way to rise above the sadness is to focus on the little blessings that have passed over me today. Unlike in the past, I have not had numerous children at home during illness. Instead of sibling contention that I can’t possibly address, I have been covered by the quiet, gentle noises of my one child who doesn’t go to school. It has not been as unbearable as in the past. And I’ve been able to rest.
The quiet time also has helped prepare my heart for the funeral tomorrow. It has allowed me to find the space for prayer that, even if seemingly inadequate, is perhaps the greatest help I can offer right now.
And so I go back to rest, and wait for hubby to come home with pizza, and hope that healing will come so that I can, once again, engage in the busy life, with all of its joys and sorrows, that awaits.